and it's like i can't move forward in the steps laid out for me, the ones that lead me toward waking up without the echo of your voice in my ears, time after ceaseless time.
the aches i face are beyond unheard sorries and unwanted penances; the principal of so much regret as the basis for my day to day is my downfall and one of the only things that keeps me feeling anything at all.
every dream is a little more than the last, a longer look, an extra word and less hesitation, a more meaningful touch or gesture. lately things are taking a turn for the insincere and bitter, and the colors are nolonger vibrant and beautiful; now, despite hearing your voice preserved like my memory were a jar and spending my waking life reprocessing, again and again, feelings i let (or forced) myself to forget, it's a relief to wake into the same certainty of you not missing me, rather than the confusing arena of my dreams where it seems you want to forgive me, that time is taking its toll in a purely subconscious way.
and if this is true, i don't know what the future holds, and what lonliness and regret will give way to. i don't know what it means that after all this time, i still dream of you enough to keep me wondering what the reality in waking life has to do with those plots as mixed up as my feelings about you (new versus old).
maybe i should not even have feelings about you, and i should keep dreaming to wean myself from the promise of remembering.
maybe it's almost, finally, time to forget, to give up on you like you gave up on me.
12.06.2010
12.01.2010
white lies
it doesn't even feel real knowing you tell someone else the secrets that used to belong to the spaces between our respective lips and ears. displaced but not replaced, where do i fit into the picture you never finished erasing before changing your viewpoint and starting over? and it's fine, that you need to make changes and that i don't fit into what makes you happy- because you know i never wanted you unhappy- but it's not fair to appropriate what isn't entirely yours.
all those certain groups of words we fumbled to turn into archetypes of that dynamic, how am i supposed to feel seeing that parts i loaned to the bigger picture hang so far out of my view?
your silence says so much more than civil words ever could. they keep my apologies afloat, keep unspoken goodbyes hanging in the air like breath meeting a world too cold to let it survive; we're passing clouds, indeterminate shapes, we're bitterness-we are angry and it means nothing but ruin if you don't say it out loud.
at night it's worst, and i often feel like even the stars i search for answers can see that something is missing from me; they direct my thoughts to the places it might be hiding, content in your bed like a sleeping lover or underneath like monsters waiting; in hollows and crevices i couldn't have memorized better were they my own.
and it's true that i love you, because love fades and falls away, love gets bruised up and love loses faith and hope, but love doesn't die when it lives in the kind of heart that still remembers the phantom shadow of decoration removed from its walls.
my heart, it beats the same whether you think my name or not, but i can tell that it knows when you do, that it wishes it had words, wishes for ladders to hang them up high enough for us both to, for once, see clearly what it meant to say but never got the chance to.
i think you want me to miss you, as sure as remembering you helps me sleep despite it being a coldly pointed finger at every spot you used to keep warm. i won't forget those instants, how they seemed to wrap themselves in cellophane, tried to prevent the tangles knotted by sharpened corners of the moments we'd rather forget and maybe took too close to heart. those little points of light are beyond regret and guilt, existing only because they do, a reminder of the bright and overwhelming truth it's too late to digest by the time it finally reaches our eyes. i hope she's keeping you warm and that my frantic wishing doesn't disturb your sleep, i hope over these nights your eyes become accustomed to what sentiments i've tucked in the spaces of sky that you can't ignore even with eyes closed, and i think when you finally adjust to that light you'll see that i've been leaving it on for you.
all those certain groups of words we fumbled to turn into archetypes of that dynamic, how am i supposed to feel seeing that parts i loaned to the bigger picture hang so far out of my view?
your silence says so much more than civil words ever could. they keep my apologies afloat, keep unspoken goodbyes hanging in the air like breath meeting a world too cold to let it survive; we're passing clouds, indeterminate shapes, we're bitterness-we are angry and it means nothing but ruin if you don't say it out loud.
at night it's worst, and i often feel like even the stars i search for answers can see that something is missing from me; they direct my thoughts to the places it might be hiding, content in your bed like a sleeping lover or underneath like monsters waiting; in hollows and crevices i couldn't have memorized better were they my own.
and it's true that i love you, because love fades and falls away, love gets bruised up and love loses faith and hope, but love doesn't die when it lives in the kind of heart that still remembers the phantom shadow of decoration removed from its walls.
my heart, it beats the same whether you think my name or not, but i can tell that it knows when you do, that it wishes it had words, wishes for ladders to hang them up high enough for us both to, for once, see clearly what it meant to say but never got the chance to.
i think you want me to miss you, as sure as remembering you helps me sleep despite it being a coldly pointed finger at every spot you used to keep warm. i won't forget those instants, how they seemed to wrap themselves in cellophane, tried to prevent the tangles knotted by sharpened corners of the moments we'd rather forget and maybe took too close to heart. those little points of light are beyond regret and guilt, existing only because they do, a reminder of the bright and overwhelming truth it's too late to digest by the time it finally reaches our eyes. i hope she's keeping you warm and that my frantic wishing doesn't disturb your sleep, i hope over these nights your eyes become accustomed to what sentiments i've tucked in the spaces of sky that you can't ignore even with eyes closed, and i think when you finally adjust to that light you'll see that i've been leaving it on for you.
9.26.2010
at this rate i'll probably never stop dreaming.
dream last night: at siu, wandering around for a party, but parts of the city looked like chinatown, twinkle lights and good luck cats, that sort of thing.
you rolled into town, right next to our car. i saw all your friends, my heart leapt, your profile and that red shirt in my periphery, losing it.
you look at me in the sort of way you don't really look at someone; i try hard not to stare.
i'm not even sure if you're real anymore, i realize i almost forgot what your face looks like.
front porch party, we're there and so are you. you seem wounded and vulnerable, i'm giddy with fear, i feel like you will evaporate.
i hear you telling me i'm wrong, telling me i don't exist and neither do you, telling me nothing at all because your silence is aimed like a flaming arrow in my direction.
i'm sorry, sorry, i'm so sorry.
the words well up like hot springs then dribble out my mouth like a leaky faucet; it will never, ever be enough to be as sorry as i am.
this is only a problem because i could never be more sorry.
not for a second do i forget, awake or asleep, crying or laughing, you're the leftover thought pattern and missing you is becoming the glue that holds everything else together. but the peices, they don't fit so well, having cracked at the edges and gotten mixed up as you cracked them all with those 7 pages, that one sentiment, those final words- leave me alone.
i enter doors, i go up stairs, i'm looking for something that makes it real, makes it make sense, but the lights don't go on and when they do it's no one flipping the switch. in places you're not a frantic emptiness takes over me, and soon i am waking up, tumbling, groping the air for the doorknob that opens to where you are.
half conscious, i know the door is locked, then i am gone altogether.
i keep trying to say goodbye, but i just want you to come back.
one day maybe you will, and maybe i won't blame you for the time you were gone.
i won't.
you rolled into town, right next to our car. i saw all your friends, my heart leapt, your profile and that red shirt in my periphery, losing it.
you look at me in the sort of way you don't really look at someone; i try hard not to stare.
i'm not even sure if you're real anymore, i realize i almost forgot what your face looks like.
front porch party, we're there and so are you. you seem wounded and vulnerable, i'm giddy with fear, i feel like you will evaporate.
i hear you telling me i'm wrong, telling me i don't exist and neither do you, telling me nothing at all because your silence is aimed like a flaming arrow in my direction.
i'm sorry, sorry, i'm so sorry.
the words well up like hot springs then dribble out my mouth like a leaky faucet; it will never, ever be enough to be as sorry as i am.
this is only a problem because i could never be more sorry.
not for a second do i forget, awake or asleep, crying or laughing, you're the leftover thought pattern and missing you is becoming the glue that holds everything else together. but the peices, they don't fit so well, having cracked at the edges and gotten mixed up as you cracked them all with those 7 pages, that one sentiment, those final words- leave me alone.
i enter doors, i go up stairs, i'm looking for something that makes it real, makes it make sense, but the lights don't go on and when they do it's no one flipping the switch. in places you're not a frantic emptiness takes over me, and soon i am waking up, tumbling, groping the air for the doorknob that opens to where you are.
half conscious, i know the door is locked, then i am gone altogether.
i keep trying to say goodbye, but i just want you to come back.
one day maybe you will, and maybe i won't blame you for the time you were gone.
i won't.
9.08.2010
just keep on
pretending the high road doesn't look idyllic from the trench that, yes, i dug, but you yourself flung your being into with such force. it takes a force, alright, to divide what the same souls hated to let part (once).
i boil over and burn at the thought of letting cool a passion that burned red hot, knowing it ends in empty black and memories long stripped of any luster. i started the fire and i passed the torch to you, but on my chance at beating back the heat i tried my best to keep you free from that scalding disappointment. remorse is thankless, gratitude a rare happenstance now, and apologies will never suffice to heal what is ultimately self- inflicted.
i boil over and burn at the thought of letting cool a passion that burned red hot, knowing it ends in empty black and memories long stripped of any luster. i started the fire and i passed the torch to you, but on my chance at beating back the heat i tried my best to keep you free from that scalding disappointment. remorse is thankless, gratitude a rare happenstance now, and apologies will never suffice to heal what is ultimately self- inflicted.
8.03.2010
underpants dance.
it's my birthday today, so i'm dancing in my underpants at midnight, as is my tradition. it occurs to me that i am marginally bummed despite it being my birthday. i don't know why this is, don't have a direction in mind for this post, just felt the need to use it to say.. things. blah bleh bluh.
i am becoming so boring, and also i think i am losing it once and for all. normally it would take weeks for me to work up to the things i now say with abandon to anyone who will listen, and especially to those who won't. i have truly entered a space of not caring what anyone thinks about me, being unapologetic and truly learning to embrace myself for my flaws and mistakes and also for my passions. i've become more in touch with who i am and what i want, and it's turned me into what outwardly looks like a more brash, even more forthright, kind of bitchy, spaced- out version of myself. it would seem that at long last, i truly Do Not Give A Fuck.
and that, dear readers, EFFING RULES. some things:
go and paint a picture. i do not care if you can't paint, i do not care if you've never painted or drawn. paint a picture. it is good for your soul. it's nonverbal communication with the universe. it's motility in verse. it's a bunch of other really cool shit everyone needs to experience.
talk to a stranger. branch out, meet new people, and see how surprisingly easy it is to get lost in others rather that being too lost in yourself to notice others.
tell someone exactly what you think of them, good or bad. if you have grievances to air that are distracting you in your life, get them out. if you have a problem with someone, don't accuse, don't blame, don't confront. just say what you need to say, it doesn't matter what happens from then, because it's all about finding the closure you need, and whatever happens after that isn't even up to you.
BE OPEN. everyone has a different point of view, every single one of us. allow yourself to be completely free of selfishness and let down the guard you keep up to refrain from questioning your position, and just understand. empathize. give a shit.
this is advice from myself, directed at myself, that i need to follow. it's vague, because i have some very nondescript issues hindering my personal growth and i need to take steps to better prepare myself to deal with these situations. i am turning into a weirdo. i don't experience my emotions, i just witness them. by the time i've felt something, it's already gone, and it seems my entire existence as it relates to sensation and perception is a game of cat and mouse, me constantly seeking and being evaded by something lasting and effective, something that will snap me into action and out of this bystander mentality. i feel so good about coming into my own, about exploring my passions, but i feel that something is being lost in the translation. i guess this is a bit of a resolution, a reconciliation, a recognition of the past year and my decision to move forward from it instead of trying to keep recreating it. so here's to you, 18. frankly, you sucked. here goes 19.
i am becoming so boring, and also i think i am losing it once and for all. normally it would take weeks for me to work up to the things i now say with abandon to anyone who will listen, and especially to those who won't. i have truly entered a space of not caring what anyone thinks about me, being unapologetic and truly learning to embrace myself for my flaws and mistakes and also for my passions. i've become more in touch with who i am and what i want, and it's turned me into what outwardly looks like a more brash, even more forthright, kind of bitchy, spaced- out version of myself. it would seem that at long last, i truly Do Not Give A Fuck.
and that, dear readers, EFFING RULES. some things:
go and paint a picture. i do not care if you can't paint, i do not care if you've never painted or drawn. paint a picture. it is good for your soul. it's nonverbal communication with the universe. it's motility in verse. it's a bunch of other really cool shit everyone needs to experience.
talk to a stranger. branch out, meet new people, and see how surprisingly easy it is to get lost in others rather that being too lost in yourself to notice others.
tell someone exactly what you think of them, good or bad. if you have grievances to air that are distracting you in your life, get them out. if you have a problem with someone, don't accuse, don't blame, don't confront. just say what you need to say, it doesn't matter what happens from then, because it's all about finding the closure you need, and whatever happens after that isn't even up to you.
BE OPEN. everyone has a different point of view, every single one of us. allow yourself to be completely free of selfishness and let down the guard you keep up to refrain from questioning your position, and just understand. empathize. give a shit.
this is advice from myself, directed at myself, that i need to follow. it's vague, because i have some very nondescript issues hindering my personal growth and i need to take steps to better prepare myself to deal with these situations. i am turning into a weirdo. i don't experience my emotions, i just witness them. by the time i've felt something, it's already gone, and it seems my entire existence as it relates to sensation and perception is a game of cat and mouse, me constantly seeking and being evaded by something lasting and effective, something that will snap me into action and out of this bystander mentality. i feel so good about coming into my own, about exploring my passions, but i feel that something is being lost in the translation. i guess this is a bit of a resolution, a reconciliation, a recognition of the past year and my decision to move forward from it instead of trying to keep recreating it. so here's to you, 18. frankly, you sucked. here goes 19.
7.18.2010
6.13.2010
i feel too much.
i care worry think hurt and love too much.
i think too many things about too many people, and i will never ever say these things to anyone's face.
so much anonymity, because if i'm being honest, that is just the only way i know how to feel anything without it eating at me, tearing me down and making me feel like i'm just a holding cell for the shit that comes from everyone elses' lives.
i will probably never run out of things to say on these subjects, but they need to be said again and again until i don't feel them anymore.
i can not stop loving you, and i hate you for it because that love has slowly taken away everything i was when i met you and turned me into someone who will never ever be loved the way i love you, the way you love her, the way you actually are capable of caring about someone when you proved to me you couldn't, all because none of it was even real. you feel so lonely and like you are worth nothing, you are in love and it hurts you just like you used to hurt me, yet when i constantly have made myself naive and available to you, no matter WHAT i was feeling, i never mattered for more than the seconds it took for you to get every thing you ever wanted from me.you didn't want my love, now you don't want my friendship, but you want me around, and all i'm left to deduce is i don't mean anything and that's why you can keep me and let it be so empty.because of you and your narcissism i can't believe that anyone really cares about anyone, and i feel stupid for caring still, and i hate that i can't make you as unimportant as you make me feel, so i just fight and fight to keep you in my life, so that i have some semblance left of who i was, and who i thought you were, the only good things that are left out of happiness, and they aren't even real.
and you
i had the chance to let you fill the holes left in my life by others. and you tried so hard, and i felt the right side of the kind of love that before had tried to ruin me. i tried and tried to love you and it just seemed so right but something was missing. that was me, i was just not there. but i tried to be and you knew.you could always tell i wasn't whole anymore, and when all that emptiness gathered up and fought against us, then you stayed, yet somehow later, when we'd gotten past it, you gave up. i don't blame you, because by then it was better that you move on and take all the hope i hadn't robbed from you and run with it. but that's not what i WANTED, and i think- just think, i don't know- that now the reason you're not around is you believe i wanted you gone and thought i would be better off that way.that was not the case, not ever.at the time when i gave up, it was because i didn't think i could do anything better for you. i never ever stopped caring about your happiness, i was just too stupid to know that you were mine.so of course it hurt me when you were gone, and in just trying not to hurt anymore maybe i hurt you some. again, that wasn't my intent.i don't know any kind of magic words that i can tell you to make you see that how i acted was at odds with how ireally felt, that i know i was wrong and that i don't even ask you to forgive me, just believe me and do what you will with the knowledge that i loved you, i care still, and i wish you were still in my life every single day.
i think too many things about too many people, and i will never ever say these things to anyone's face.
so much anonymity, because if i'm being honest, that is just the only way i know how to feel anything without it eating at me, tearing me down and making me feel like i'm just a holding cell for the shit that comes from everyone elses' lives.
i will probably never run out of things to say on these subjects, but they need to be said again and again until i don't feel them anymore.
i can not stop loving you, and i hate you for it because that love has slowly taken away everything i was when i met you and turned me into someone who will never ever be loved the way i love you, the way you love her, the way you actually are capable of caring about someone when you proved to me you couldn't, all because none of it was even real. you feel so lonely and like you are worth nothing, you are in love and it hurts you just like you used to hurt me, yet when i constantly have made myself naive and available to you, no matter WHAT i was feeling, i never mattered for more than the seconds it took for you to get every thing you ever wanted from me.you didn't want my love, now you don't want my friendship, but you want me around, and all i'm left to deduce is i don't mean anything and that's why you can keep me and let it be so empty.because of you and your narcissism i can't believe that anyone really cares about anyone, and i feel stupid for caring still, and i hate that i can't make you as unimportant as you make me feel, so i just fight and fight to keep you in my life, so that i have some semblance left of who i was, and who i thought you were, the only good things that are left out of happiness, and they aren't even real.
and you
i had the chance to let you fill the holes left in my life by others. and you tried so hard, and i felt the right side of the kind of love that before had tried to ruin me. i tried and tried to love you and it just seemed so right but something was missing. that was me, i was just not there. but i tried to be and you knew.you could always tell i wasn't whole anymore, and when all that emptiness gathered up and fought against us, then you stayed, yet somehow later, when we'd gotten past it, you gave up. i don't blame you, because by then it was better that you move on and take all the hope i hadn't robbed from you and run with it. but that's not what i WANTED, and i think- just think, i don't know- that now the reason you're not around is you believe i wanted you gone and thought i would be better off that way.that was not the case, not ever.at the time when i gave up, it was because i didn't think i could do anything better for you. i never ever stopped caring about your happiness, i was just too stupid to know that you were mine.so of course it hurt me when you were gone, and in just trying not to hurt anymore maybe i hurt you some. again, that wasn't my intent.i don't know any kind of magic words that i can tell you to make you see that how i acted was at odds with how ireally felt, that i know i was wrong and that i don't even ask you to forgive me, just believe me and do what you will with the knowledge that i loved you, i care still, and i wish you were still in my life every single day.
6.08.2010
i sure know how to pick 'em
I am cohabitating with a spider.I tried to kill it and it ran. I feel badly about this, but not enough to stop wishing for its demise. i can’t sleep and I itch all the time. It won’t come out to just let me kill it. So many tiny creepy crawly problems I can’t nail down to hammer out. You creepy disgusting spider, I wish you were the worst thing keeping me awake.
I dreamt last night that we were swimming, in a beautiful town that was nothing but lakes and water and slides and sunshine. You met me at the top of the slide and suddenly I was not afraid to go down anymore. We enjoyed eachother’s company; we didn’t talk about bad things yet we still had plenty to say. But it was like you weren’t really there. The you I saw was dead or didn’t exist to everyone else, and in some moments I felt you were dead to me as well. But you said “I love you,” and looked at me, and I said the same, then we carried on with our day. The house was on fire, but I found you and then I was safe. When you were gone, it got dark and then I was someplace else, someplace I didn’t want to be.
It reminded me of that day at the greenhouse, when you held my hand and we fed geese and you kissed my forehead while we walked. The sun slanted down on your face in exactly the same way. I miss caring about you and not feeling bad about it. I miss wanting to love you, a feeling that has been replaced by wishing I didn’t care so much. If I could I would fix everything for you, I’d spend my time making your life perfect. I don’t know why I feel this way. But there are too many things separating me from the way I wish I could feel about you. Caring, but detached. Loving, but unobligated. I think the truth here, the one I run from and simultaneously chase after, is that I do love you, the problem being that I only love the you in my dreams, the melding of things that don’t exist anymore and things that never will.
I dreamt last night that we were swimming, in a beautiful town that was nothing but lakes and water and slides and sunshine. You met me at the top of the slide and suddenly I was not afraid to go down anymore. We enjoyed eachother’s company; we didn’t talk about bad things yet we still had plenty to say. But it was like you weren’t really there. The you I saw was dead or didn’t exist to everyone else, and in some moments I felt you were dead to me as well. But you said “I love you,” and looked at me, and I said the same, then we carried on with our day. The house was on fire, but I found you and then I was safe. When you were gone, it got dark and then I was someplace else, someplace I didn’t want to be.
It reminded me of that day at the greenhouse, when you held my hand and we fed geese and you kissed my forehead while we walked. The sun slanted down on your face in exactly the same way. I miss caring about you and not feeling bad about it. I miss wanting to love you, a feeling that has been replaced by wishing I didn’t care so much. If I could I would fix everything for you, I’d spend my time making your life perfect. I don’t know why I feel this way. But there are too many things separating me from the way I wish I could feel about you. Caring, but detached. Loving, but unobligated. I think the truth here, the one I run from and simultaneously chase after, is that I do love you, the problem being that I only love the you in my dreams, the melding of things that don’t exist anymore and things that never will.
6.05.2010
i take
tiny strides toward routes too long.
i am kept from clarity by too much of what is shoveled from other lives on top of the mess that is mine.
i feel an inch tall and to change it i push mountains by motes to make way for troubles i don't see coming.
i fight to compensate for others' ease in giving up and letting go.
i wait too long and i try too hard, for nothing.
i am kept from clarity by too much of what is shoveled from other lives on top of the mess that is mine.
i feel an inch tall and to change it i push mountains by motes to make way for troubles i don't see coming.
i fight to compensate for others' ease in giving up and letting go.
i wait too long and i try too hard, for nothing.
5.29.2010
escapeulator
this song makes me think of you, every single time i hear it. you continue ignoring me. it's fine. i'm getting used to it (sort of.)
i still miss you.
i still don't think i'll ever deserve you in my life again.
you seem to know this better than i do.
it tears me up to know you're out there and you want nothing to do with me.
i can't find peace when i try to sleep.i think of you every day. it makes my heart swell to hear your words in my head. you cared about me in all the ways i wanted to be cared about.i'm realizing you're not going to let me tell you these things face to face, but they take up too much space where my head used to be.
things aren't all bad,but there's a whole part of myself that just doesn't ever feel quite right.a buzzing cloud constantly on the verge of waking up from sleep.i hope that you're well.i hope that you're happy. i hope that you think of me sometimes, and i hope that when you do there are at least some good memories there.
other things,in case i'm not the only person who reads this, so you don't think i'm a total sap. (though i guess i am.)
i may have an artist apprenticeship thing going on for the summer. it doesn't pay, but it will help me get other internships which will help me get work experience which will help me get to france. somehow. i haven't figured it out yet. i just know i need to get there. i also know that when i get there, i won't be coming back. not in any permanent sense. i can't see it. my life doesn't live where i am anymore.i'm getting left behind, always getting lost, trying to hang on to what's moving further and further in every direction but the one i know deep down that i am headed.
i love those moments when i'm listening to other people talk, and i let it get a little out of context, lose myself in the sounds, and it's like i've never heard anyone speak english before. it has to tap into something primitive in my brain, something in my language center that forgets itself and breaks down the sounds,and it's like i don't know what century i'm on or what continent i'm on, for a split second. i forget the meanings of words and the definitions of rights and lefts, i forget the difference between am and pm, and all the little human constructs we should know tend to escape me. obviously there is something fatally wrong with my brain as no number of mnemonics can help me to remember these things, and furthermore, i will never think they are important.
i want to live in the woods, or in a cabin or something, but someplace that won't creep me out and make me afraid.
i want to take a trip to a place i've never been, someplace i don't know a soul. i want to be completely alone, yet surrounded by other people. i hope to experience this soon. i am hoping it will bring me clarity on my true intent for myself.
it may be narcissistic, the fact that i find the most ease in talking to myself (or no one).i think i am really weird. i'm always aching for things no one else ever even acknowledges. no one i know at least.i need to meet some strangers.
i can't think of anything for longer than a few seconds, i can't concentrate, my head hurts, but i feel overwhelmingly positive in a faraway sort of way.
i'm knitting a sweater.
5.23.2010
internet home visit
in my dream last night, someone i used to know came to my house and kidnapped my mother, and then i went on a mission to find him and collect my mother and his testicles. it was interesting how immediate that solution was in my head. i found him in a bar along some train tracks after my friends and i evaded the people he'd sent after us. i don't know why my dreams always look like cool movies that need to be made, and i wish they still made sense once i woke up. this one looked like a modern western. i was the heroine, and that feeling was new. sadly i was awoken by chainsaws outside (at 9am. on a sunday) so i'll never know if i caught up with him or not.
i am frustrated. as weird as it seems to me, i guess it is just in my nature to care a lot about people. that doesn't mean i always like them, but it bugs me to not be proactive when it comes to people i care about. i slipped up a couple of times, and i am still kind of operating in the patterns of worry and self- sacrifice for the sake of other people.but i can't really see that as a bad thing, as long as i can learn moderation. it hurts me a lot to find that once i gave up, some relationships i had always thought to be strong immediately fell in. (you should know that i still do, and probably will for some time, miss you very much- in case you happen to come across this in search of more things to hold against me.)
i don't want to keep anymore secrets. i don't let anyone inside my little bubble. no one really knows what i want, what i do, what i REALLY think, and i think it's time i let some people in on my little private jokes. i just don't know who'd care enough to listen for a punchline that probably only i find funny.
jesaka
i am frustrated. as weird as it seems to me, i guess it is just in my nature to care a lot about people. that doesn't mean i always like them, but it bugs me to not be proactive when it comes to people i care about. i slipped up a couple of times, and i am still kind of operating in the patterns of worry and self- sacrifice for the sake of other people.but i can't really see that as a bad thing, as long as i can learn moderation. it hurts me a lot to find that once i gave up, some relationships i had always thought to be strong immediately fell in. (you should know that i still do, and probably will for some time, miss you very much- in case you happen to come across this in search of more things to hold against me.)
i don't want to keep anymore secrets. i don't let anyone inside my little bubble. no one really knows what i want, what i do, what i REALLY think, and i think it's time i let some people in on my little private jokes. i just don't know who'd care enough to listen for a punchline that probably only i find funny.
jesaka
5.19.2010
time waits for no one
i think you could say i am turning over a new leaf.
i've had a lot on my mind, thinking and worrying over and deciding about what i will and won't accept in my life. i realize that one of my largest flaws is allowing myself to worry too much about other people. it's not that i'm a follower, not in the technical sense of the word, but that i am, maybe, too loyal(if you can pretend i phrased that in a less self- righteous way). i am realizing very quickly that i am just no longer in a position to always struggle to make time for those that don't make time for me. this happens in so many of my relationships. too many concessions, too much forgiveness, leniency on things that should not even be negotiable, and all of it one- sided. frankly, i'm not going to take it anymore. for too much of my life, i kept quiet about what i thought or felt, and unless i had some strong conviction i felt it was easier to go along with everyone else and not think what it was that i wanted to do. someone told me that if you just don't give a shit about people, you'll find out who the real important ones are when they pick up the slack and THEY give a shit about YOU for a change. so, effectually, this is what i'm doing. it's too hard, and really really unrealistic for me to say i won't make any effort towards anyone or anything. but right now, i'm worried about ME, first and foremost. because it doesn't matter at all how important any someone is to me, it doesn't matter that i love them enough to give my life for, i'm still not going to LIVE my life for anyone but me, because that is what everyone else is (or should be) doing. i've let other people's isms define me for too long,and it's given me a really skewed and sad picture of what relationships are like. i don't want things to be that way, because there are some relationships i really treasure and i don't want to grow jaded with them (as is unfortunately happening already) just because of things i've experienced in the past.
so, now that i've gone off on a good long ramble, i digress to a point: i'm giving up worrying about how i relate to other people, i have enough worry in my very nature without adding to it with unnecessary woes. there are people i've been trying for too long to appease, people i've been trying too hard to win over, and all of that is going to stop. if you give a shit about me, you'll let me know, and not because i say i won't try but because you'll WANT to try(this applies to some people very specifically). put simply, if i stop calling you, call me. if i stop trying to salvage a connection, pick up the slack. or don't, and let that tell me how you really feel. i know this probably means i'll be deleting a lot of people from my life. those people, the ones who make you worry and care too much but never put in any effort, they're like junk mail- whether or not i wanted them in the first place, i sure as hell don't need them now.
take care.
jesaka
i've had a lot on my mind, thinking and worrying over and deciding about what i will and won't accept in my life. i realize that one of my largest flaws is allowing myself to worry too much about other people. it's not that i'm a follower, not in the technical sense of the word, but that i am, maybe, too loyal(if you can pretend i phrased that in a less self- righteous way). i am realizing very quickly that i am just no longer in a position to always struggle to make time for those that don't make time for me. this happens in so many of my relationships. too many concessions, too much forgiveness, leniency on things that should not even be negotiable, and all of it one- sided. frankly, i'm not going to take it anymore. for too much of my life, i kept quiet about what i thought or felt, and unless i had some strong conviction i felt it was easier to go along with everyone else and not think what it was that i wanted to do. someone told me that if you just don't give a shit about people, you'll find out who the real important ones are when they pick up the slack and THEY give a shit about YOU for a change. so, effectually, this is what i'm doing. it's too hard, and really really unrealistic for me to say i won't make any effort towards anyone or anything. but right now, i'm worried about ME, first and foremost. because it doesn't matter at all how important any someone is to me, it doesn't matter that i love them enough to give my life for, i'm still not going to LIVE my life for anyone but me, because that is what everyone else is (or should be) doing. i've let other people's isms define me for too long,and it's given me a really skewed and sad picture of what relationships are like. i don't want things to be that way, because there are some relationships i really treasure and i don't want to grow jaded with them (as is unfortunately happening already) just because of things i've experienced in the past.
so, now that i've gone off on a good long ramble, i digress to a point: i'm giving up worrying about how i relate to other people, i have enough worry in my very nature without adding to it with unnecessary woes. there are people i've been trying for too long to appease, people i've been trying too hard to win over, and all of that is going to stop. if you give a shit about me, you'll let me know, and not because i say i won't try but because you'll WANT to try(this applies to some people very specifically). put simply, if i stop calling you, call me. if i stop trying to salvage a connection, pick up the slack. or don't, and let that tell me how you really feel. i know this probably means i'll be deleting a lot of people from my life. those people, the ones who make you worry and care too much but never put in any effort, they're like junk mail- whether or not i wanted them in the first place, i sure as hell don't need them now.
take care.
jesaka
5.16.2010
you make me
feel like a disappointment. sad. sorry that i ever got to know you. feel weak. seem selfish and ungrateful. think i am a very bad person. wonder how i ever could ruin things so thoroughly. miss you. wonder if i have any self- respect at all. sick. realize how alone i am. want to never speak to anyone again. wish i were someone else. hurt. cry. wish someone were on my side.
5.10.2010
it's all ending; we're just getting started
reflecting on the past two semesters/ 10 months or so, i feel nothing but relief at this period having ended. it was fun, and i'm looking forward to new things, and that's all i have to say about it. as of today, the last final was taken, the last paper turned in, and i'm done worrying about things that don't matter anymore. i'm completely in the present, and i hope the people in my life are up for it. i don't want to argue with anyone, i want no confusion and worry outside what any person needs to worry about. i'm going to have a good summer, i'm going to get some parts of my life in order, i'm going to have fun with the people i love and anything else is water under the bridge; it does not matter to me. i'm not going to keep falling into the trap of letting my life happen to me. i've done a good thing this year, and i'm proud of it, and i'm celebrating. join the party. jesaka
5.08.2010
i have no direction anymore
I so miss having colored hair. Not even that it looked that awesome, (even though sometimes it really, really did.) I just miss the time when that was part of me. Even though i've grown a lot since i left high school and home, and i'm smarter and more mature, i also really miss this fearlessness that i never even knew was present in me until i woke up one day and realized it had been all used up. i'm smarter, yes, but people get smarter every day, and true wisdom comes from applying what you know to bettering yourself, not just changing based on what you know. i worry that i'm losing myself. i sometimes feel like i'm a character in other peoples' lives, that my own has no significance, because i'm not making anything of it. at the end of the day, i don't always feel like i've accomplished anything. i don't think i'm happy anymore, because for a while i was happy and then everything got all fucked up and i realized it wasn't real and i recoiled from any of the things i believed were right and good. but i was wrong to think that happiness was in permanence. i was happy then because i was risking being unhappy. now, i don't risk anything. i fear depending on others, i can't feel my emotions anymore, i just witness them. now, i don't know how to stop being afraid of living my life. and i'm thinking maybe i was better off oblivious to how naive i was being.
5.03.2010
Don't call it a comeback-
karma has reoriented itself around me. i feel better about a lot of things, and even the things that haven't improved yet, i know will soon. i still have some stuff to work out, but it feels nice to just be doing okay.
today i sat outside and watched a storm brew from a couple of rainclouds and escalate into a downpour. it was cold and wet, but i swear i was feeling high on life for those few minutes. the clouds rolling around each other, the rain hitting the ground, the GIANT rainbow i saw, it was all pretty intense. it's amazing how fascinating every little thing around you can be if you just take the time to look, and stop being so preoccupied with "life". because really, what is life without the awesome stuff you can only see when you step outside yourself?
go barefoot!
jesaka
today i sat outside and watched a storm brew from a couple of rainclouds and escalate into a downpour. it was cold and wet, but i swear i was feeling high on life for those few minutes. the clouds rolling around each other, the rain hitting the ground, the GIANT rainbow i saw, it was all pretty intense. it's amazing how fascinating every little thing around you can be if you just take the time to look, and stop being so preoccupied with "life". because really, what is life without the awesome stuff you can only see when you step outside yourself?
go barefoot!
jesaka
5.02.2010
i want to keep it up
"it" being i don't exactly know what, this strange culmination of narcissism and motivation that is this journal/ blog thing.
but i have little to say.
it's been storming the past two days, and every time that happens, real storms that go on for hours and hours of thunder and noise and light and movement, i'm reminded how beautiful life is, what a unique and amazing life i'm living just by being one of the molecules in the universe lucky to end up being a part of this amazing planet earth in its tiny corner of existence. i think about the order of the world, everything in its right place, everything having its job, and the beauty in that order, and as much as i'd sometimes rather believe there is no force governing the light and the dark and the sun and humans and their emotions and the billions of other bits of existence that make up everything that is, it's just all too perfect not to believe something is in control. i don't know if i buy into my life being a part of "god's plan" and that some guy in the sky has things he wants and doesn't want me to do, because it's just too vain to think that what one planet full of cells decides to do is the important factor in the history of everything. but that is not by any means to say that i don't believe that everything in its perfection and completeness can just be empty chaos, there is a plan, and we're apart of everything that was ever meant to happen. there are too many laws and parts of science we're just stumbling onto that have existed and functioned for so long before us. god is out there, and it is in the rain and you and me and my desk and every thought every human has ever had and ever single thing none of us will ever ever see or experience or even know exists. god is in the details, and god just is, and it feels so right to be part of this life that was made just for me, in this body that is unlike yet exactly the same as the other 7 billion inhabiting the only space that was made for them to work, thinking thoughts people have probably thought since people thought anything at all. any other time i would feel small, but i'm oddly at peace with my place in all this, because the fact that i have a place in such perfect order is astronomically lucky.
smile today.
jesaka
but i have little to say.
it's been storming the past two days, and every time that happens, real storms that go on for hours and hours of thunder and noise and light and movement, i'm reminded how beautiful life is, what a unique and amazing life i'm living just by being one of the molecules in the universe lucky to end up being a part of this amazing planet earth in its tiny corner of existence. i think about the order of the world, everything in its right place, everything having its job, and the beauty in that order, and as much as i'd sometimes rather believe there is no force governing the light and the dark and the sun and humans and their emotions and the billions of other bits of existence that make up everything that is, it's just all too perfect not to believe something is in control. i don't know if i buy into my life being a part of "god's plan" and that some guy in the sky has things he wants and doesn't want me to do, because it's just too vain to think that what one planet full of cells decides to do is the important factor in the history of everything. but that is not by any means to say that i don't believe that everything in its perfection and completeness can just be empty chaos, there is a plan, and we're apart of everything that was ever meant to happen. there are too many laws and parts of science we're just stumbling onto that have existed and functioned for so long before us. god is out there, and it is in the rain and you and me and my desk and every thought every human has ever had and ever single thing none of us will ever ever see or experience or even know exists. god is in the details, and god just is, and it feels so right to be part of this life that was made just for me, in this body that is unlike yet exactly the same as the other 7 billion inhabiting the only space that was made for them to work, thinking thoughts people have probably thought since people thought anything at all. any other time i would feel small, but i'm oddly at peace with my place in all this, because the fact that i have a place in such perfect order is astronomically lucky.
smile today.
jesaka
4.30.2010
nobody raise your voices
i am overcome.
i feel the presence of so many emotions, tugging at one another vying for supremacy, deciding who will get to ride this wave with me. i don't know what to think or to feel, i don't know who or what i am, i don't know what it's all about. i looked at the sky earlier, and the clouds moved away and i could see straight up, i didn't know it but i was seeing it all, further out than i could ever venture, and i'm just so small. i can allow all the forces at work keeping all this together to tug me around with them and show me the way, but it's so scary not to know what's next. we know nothing at all like we think we do, and at the highest level everything you ever knew, loved, or thought you did is just an instant, a tiny unmeasurable factor in whatever happens from moment to moment. it's worrying that you'll collapse inward before everything else does, that you won't allow yourself to reach the moment you feel is impending- and why not? it's fear, and it's built in so there's no connection between you and everything that made you. i am part of the nothing that makes up everything.
i feel the presence of so many emotions, tugging at one another vying for supremacy, deciding who will get to ride this wave with me. i don't know what to think or to feel, i don't know who or what i am, i don't know what it's all about. i looked at the sky earlier, and the clouds moved away and i could see straight up, i didn't know it but i was seeing it all, further out than i could ever venture, and i'm just so small. i can allow all the forces at work keeping all this together to tug me around with them and show me the way, but it's so scary not to know what's next. we know nothing at all like we think we do, and at the highest level everything you ever knew, loved, or thought you did is just an instant, a tiny unmeasurable factor in whatever happens from moment to moment. it's worrying that you'll collapse inward before everything else does, that you won't allow yourself to reach the moment you feel is impending- and why not? it's fear, and it's built in so there's no connection between you and everything that made you. i am part of the nothing that makes up everything.
let's not be friends
in general, i think i cope with people pretty well. i say cope because as a rule i generally detest "people"; large groups of them, certain individuals, and just the whole idea of other people. which is why i have little to no patience for those who test the limits of being an Unlikable Person further, by doing stupid things like holding grudges and going back on their word. if i wronged a person, truly wronged them, i could accept them being upset with me, not wanting to talk to me, or thinking i'm a douchebag. but i am NOT a douchebag just because i don't shape my intentions around what someone else wants. there are very few people important enough to make me consider them in any decision making process that AFFECTS ME. these people i am talking about, they are selfish, and they are hypocrites. they are the sort of people that get angry with you for doing the very same thing in a situation that they would do were they in your place, and then stick their noses up in the air at you for living your life without them in mind. they're the people that stop answering friendly messages after begging you to stay their friend, they're the people who get new girlfriends or go a while without talking to you and assume that this means they must now hate you with ever fiber of their being. what the hell is wrong with this picture? let's take a step back. who is more selfish? the person who does what they think is right, even if other people don't like it, even if they themselves don't like the outcome, and tries to make the best of it, or the person that would rather make someone else live a lie and put up with nonsense to pacify someone? i'm not taking any more of this in my life. i live life for me, because at the end of my life the only person who needs to be satisfied is me. so from now on, any of those negative assholes who wish to ruin my peace with selfishness and pigheadedness can take their shit elsewhere.
4.29.2010
last night's dream.
last night i had a dream about love and a serial killer. i need to get it down before i forget.there was a book i was reading, each chapter was about a woman, and at the end of it she would die. i don't really remember the first three, only that they existed, and with each new chapter i was immediately so captivated that reading it was literally just watching a movie i'd never seen unfold behind my eyes. i remember colors more vivid than life. the last chapter, the longest and most eventful, was a girl who was me but not. i followed her from youth the early adulthood. she was young and smart but afraid, and she fell in love with a boy, maybe i know him, but i don't remember his face. they wanted to marry, and the man in charge, he owned a furniture store, and for some reason, he hated her. he wouldn't let them. over and over they went to the store, and he kept saying no and ruining things for them. the girl and boy started doing drugs, and the girl was turning into a different person. then she was an older woman, sitting on a bench. the place she was was so beautiful, it glowed with sunlight and it was fall, there were leaves everywhere, different oranges, and the whole place looked like it was on fire. people would pass occasionally, but she just sat there, writing and thinking, and eventually she was someone else, an older woman, maybe someone i saw on tv once. a man drove up and started talking to her about the place, the schools, the kids, and he seemed strange. i saw his face, but i don't remember that either. he was the younger version of the man in the furniture store, and when i looked at him i immediately recognized him as a killer. then i was back to reading pages in a book, not seeing the story for myself, and i knew the girl was dead when i woke up.
4.25.2010
Gogol Bordello: the Night that Changed My Life.
so somehow i still haven't blogged this experience, despite it having happened a couple days ago. shame on me.
I must give an edited version of my experience- my spiritual journey, if you will- for various reasons, those being to protect some privileged information and to *try* and keep me from rambling about it, literally forever.
On April 23rd, around 7am, I wake with a start as i hear the faint buzzing of my cell phone on the desk. "SHIT. TRAIN!" i think to myself as i get up; dressing within what feels like seconds, i run out of my room, out of my building, heading for amtrak with a prayer to the concert gods in my speedily beating heart.
fast forward to six hours later: i made my train, but i couldn't sleep on the way there, so i get off groggily at union station in chicago, and await my ride, shamrock shake in hand, in the seat i claim as my very own at the mcdonald's there. by this point i am excited and maintaining a general sense of well being, thanks to simply being in chicago, and being on my way to a concert; yet i have no idea what is in store. ride arrives. we drive around. we eat at Let's Go Diner Restaurant in *the* hippest part of town (go there if you can- the grub is worth the feelings of displacement upon realising you're the only one in the place without a v-neck on.) i need a skirt for the show, as am i told i will regret wearing jeans (this turns out to be true, true, true.) we shop, we drive, we park, and then we are at Congress.
**this is where the magic starts, so if you were skimming(and i promise i wouldn't blame you), you should start paying attention.**
standing in line (3rd rather than first to our dismay) we (me, and my companions, roommate and a friend) we meet some cool people, we encounter some annoying people, it rains a little and we are cold,but all in all the vibe is good. for the others, it's no big deal, but my first big shock comes when i look to my left and just around the corner at which we are standing, some people are exiting a tour bus. it doesn't occur to me that gogol bordello will have parked right next to the stage doors, so you can imagine my surprise when Eugene and Pedro(aka the love of my life in my starstruckier, lamer moments) waltz past.swiftly denying an encounter with a way too excited fangirl, i am able to gauge the level of coolness i will need to maintain with surprising ease. this becomes a little more difficult when, a while later, Yuri and Sergei stop to talk to us- actually one of my companions, but i think all in all i maintained an acceptable level of calm. we hang out a while later, then friendly Security Guard Mike tells us it's time, we can go in now.
Rushing to the doors of congress, i raise my hands to be patted down, and then i run on my numb little feet to the very front of the stage. we score spots front and center, and hold them as the place fills.i wait somewhat impatiently, and finally there are soundchecks and tech people leave the crowded stage and lights come down and everyone is making way for some relaxed- looking guys on stage left. They're the openers, and frankly they aren't that good, but being in the front row they successfully do their job of getting the crowd- or at least me- warmed up.then the fun starts. i wait even more impatiently, because i know what's next. the stage is cleared once again, and then a very different crowd overtakes it. Devotchka arrives and immediately begin filling my soul with wonder. their set, while not the main event i am so stoked for this entire time, is like some fascinating break from reality. am i really this close? i listen to these guys all the time, and now i'm seeing them, they're real people. it's not like i've never been to a concert before; i have, and i've seen some acts that are equally, if not more, important to my musical preferences. but this felt like magic. i looked at their eyes, i heard the fervor for what was going on and i felt it. by the end of the set, i had been hypnotized by sound, mesmerized by the stylings of a rope dancer in yet another moment of complete perfection, and completely ready for the culmination of the night. devotchka's set ends, they leave the stage, i am crushed against the gate and the crowd behind me is pulsing with excitement.
stage setup, lights, and then out they come. they come one by one, they begin to play their respective instruments, the crowd goes crazy for each and every one. last is eugene, and as he begins to sing, the glue that holds the chaos together cures and some perfect masterpeice is being created in front of my eyes. the show goes on, song after song i revel and scream and jump and throw my arms into the air and am crushed and pushed and don't care. every movement they make is theatrical, every new moment feels like hearing some beautiful new language for the first time. even the parts i don't understand, i feel an urgency to experience fully and completely and to never ever forget it. the music is gypsy punk, and the spirit of that is present in a tangible way. it feels foreign and new, yet so present, like it reacts with something inside a person. it feels personal but immeasurable, and it feels like the greatest connection i ever had to something that isn't even tangible; some sounds, a feeling, the emotion of experiencing something so new and exciting. the moments they create and the combination of feelings they stir with every leap across the stage and every strum of a guitar or a bass or note on an accordion or a violin or beat on a drum or a block of wood, feels like magic at work on my soul.
after the show ends- and then ends again, following a fantastic encore- we head outside. it's raining, it's even colder, but we're riding a euphoric high and we barely notice. arriving at the car, my roomate's friend gets a text. it's a member of the band, he wants to know what we're doing. excited all over again, we run to find him, and he ends up hanging out in the car with us. we talk about canada, he tells us about their busy schedule for the last few days. it's surreal that i am experiencing on a personal, person- to- real live person basis, the very thing i have just finished falling in love with. after a while we head out, it's still raining. "we go to the bus," his russian accent tells us. a new wave of thrill. we enter the bus. there's sergei, two girls and a guy. they're talking, so we sit and we say hello and we listen. yuri tells a story sergie warns us is "terrible" (it is) but we listen nonetheless. we get into a conversation with the girls on the bus. they're from venezuela and italy, they're sisters. the older one tells us we should travel, that it makes you smarter, that you have to see the world, and i promise her i will. the younger one is drunk, vaguely obnoxious and superior and keeps complaning about americans, but i can't hold anything against her because the moment i'm in is not something to complain about. eventually they leave, more people come, and as it gets closer to curfew, the band begins to file in- the bus has to leave at 1:30. so we sit, and we talk. a roadie talks to us for a while, then tommy through a mouthful of mexican food of which he does not know the origin. pedro comes in, and i ask how he likes chicago, he says it's a cool city. i fight with surprising strength the urge to touch his solitary dread, knotted into a bun on the back of his head- it is the most lovely and enticing thing i've ever seen; i immediately want to hug him. people get on the bus, some sit in the front, but other sneak past and head to the back, tired or just not in the mood to hang in a crowded room with fans, either of which works for me because just seeing them is enough. eugene comes in, and in the one moment i promised myself i wouldn't make a fool of myself, i awkwardly giggle and shake his hand as i answer his question by telling him that yes, the show was amazing, and then he is gone. more time passes, i continue questioning whether what is happening is even real, and then it is 1:30 and we have to leave. outside the bus we say our goodbyes to yuri, who has been our ambassador into this guided tour of joy incarnate. we go to the car. "that does not happen to ANYBODY," says Hannah, and i realize how bizzare it is that meeting some people on a bus is a highlight in my life, but only long enough to notice and not care at all because i am so damn happy.
after that, we go find food, we sleep a couple of hours in the car because we have trains and buses and drives to make. i sit in union station at the amtrak terminal, and half- sleep but feeling half- dead, i feel like i am in purgatory. i awake to one of the 4 alarms i set (not wanting a more disastrous repeat of the beginning of this story) and look around, thinking, it was too good, and now my life is over. where am i? what do i do now? these thoughts carry through, as i board my train, as i jerkily wake time and time again from the train jostling my tired and achy body, as i get off the train into a thunderstorm and i walk into my dorm room, removing my sodden clothes and going straight to the shower. i go about my day tiredly, waiting for the time when i can regulate sleep and begin to feel normal again. but i woke up this morning, and tess is still gone, having adventures with the band which, for me, were cut short by responsibilities i didn't know i would be so ready to abandon, had i still been able, by the end of my experience. and i'm sitting in my room all day, nursing various bruises from my night, stinging little souvenirs that yesterday were swollen and already are beginning to fade. i feel in a spiritual limbo, because even though maybe it was just a concert and maybe just a cool band i got to hang out with for a while, the feelings i felt during that time changed something in me, and i feel different, and i have a band called gogol bordello to thank for it, and i won't forget.
I must give an edited version of my experience- my spiritual journey, if you will- for various reasons, those being to protect some privileged information and to *try* and keep me from rambling about it, literally forever.
On April 23rd, around 7am, I wake with a start as i hear the faint buzzing of my cell phone on the desk. "SHIT. TRAIN!" i think to myself as i get up; dressing within what feels like seconds, i run out of my room, out of my building, heading for amtrak with a prayer to the concert gods in my speedily beating heart.
fast forward to six hours later: i made my train, but i couldn't sleep on the way there, so i get off groggily at union station in chicago, and await my ride, shamrock shake in hand, in the seat i claim as my very own at the mcdonald's there. by this point i am excited and maintaining a general sense of well being, thanks to simply being in chicago, and being on my way to a concert; yet i have no idea what is in store. ride arrives. we drive around. we eat at Let's Go Diner Restaurant in *the* hippest part of town (go there if you can- the grub is worth the feelings of displacement upon realising you're the only one in the place without a v-neck on.) i need a skirt for the show, as am i told i will regret wearing jeans (this turns out to be true, true, true.) we shop, we drive, we park, and then we are at Congress.
**this is where the magic starts, so if you were skimming(and i promise i wouldn't blame you), you should start paying attention.**
standing in line (3rd rather than first to our dismay) we (me, and my companions, roommate and a friend) we meet some cool people, we encounter some annoying people, it rains a little and we are cold,but all in all the vibe is good. for the others, it's no big deal, but my first big shock comes when i look to my left and just around the corner at which we are standing, some people are exiting a tour bus. it doesn't occur to me that gogol bordello will have parked right next to the stage doors, so you can imagine my surprise when Eugene and Pedro(aka the love of my life in my starstruckier, lamer moments) waltz past.swiftly denying an encounter with a way too excited fangirl, i am able to gauge the level of coolness i will need to maintain with surprising ease. this becomes a little more difficult when, a while later, Yuri and Sergei stop to talk to us- actually one of my companions, but i think all in all i maintained an acceptable level of calm. we hang out a while later, then friendly Security Guard Mike tells us it's time, we can go in now.
Rushing to the doors of congress, i raise my hands to be patted down, and then i run on my numb little feet to the very front of the stage. we score spots front and center, and hold them as the place fills.i wait somewhat impatiently, and finally there are soundchecks and tech people leave the crowded stage and lights come down and everyone is making way for some relaxed- looking guys on stage left. They're the openers, and frankly they aren't that good, but being in the front row they successfully do their job of getting the crowd- or at least me- warmed up.then the fun starts. i wait even more impatiently, because i know what's next. the stage is cleared once again, and then a very different crowd overtakes it. Devotchka arrives and immediately begin filling my soul with wonder. their set, while not the main event i am so stoked for this entire time, is like some fascinating break from reality. am i really this close? i listen to these guys all the time, and now i'm seeing them, they're real people. it's not like i've never been to a concert before; i have, and i've seen some acts that are equally, if not more, important to my musical preferences. but this felt like magic. i looked at their eyes, i heard the fervor for what was going on and i felt it. by the end of the set, i had been hypnotized by sound, mesmerized by the stylings of a rope dancer in yet another moment of complete perfection, and completely ready for the culmination of the night. devotchka's set ends, they leave the stage, i am crushed against the gate and the crowd behind me is pulsing with excitement.
stage setup, lights, and then out they come. they come one by one, they begin to play their respective instruments, the crowd goes crazy for each and every one. last is eugene, and as he begins to sing, the glue that holds the chaos together cures and some perfect masterpeice is being created in front of my eyes. the show goes on, song after song i revel and scream and jump and throw my arms into the air and am crushed and pushed and don't care. every movement they make is theatrical, every new moment feels like hearing some beautiful new language for the first time. even the parts i don't understand, i feel an urgency to experience fully and completely and to never ever forget it. the music is gypsy punk, and the spirit of that is present in a tangible way. it feels foreign and new, yet so present, like it reacts with something inside a person. it feels personal but immeasurable, and it feels like the greatest connection i ever had to something that isn't even tangible; some sounds, a feeling, the emotion of experiencing something so new and exciting. the moments they create and the combination of feelings they stir with every leap across the stage and every strum of a guitar or a bass or note on an accordion or a violin or beat on a drum or a block of wood, feels like magic at work on my soul.
after the show ends- and then ends again, following a fantastic encore- we head outside. it's raining, it's even colder, but we're riding a euphoric high and we barely notice. arriving at the car, my roomate's friend gets a text. it's a member of the band, he wants to know what we're doing. excited all over again, we run to find him, and he ends up hanging out in the car with us. we talk about canada, he tells us about their busy schedule for the last few days. it's surreal that i am experiencing on a personal, person- to- real live person basis, the very thing i have just finished falling in love with. after a while we head out, it's still raining. "we go to the bus," his russian accent tells us. a new wave of thrill. we enter the bus. there's sergei, two girls and a guy. they're talking, so we sit and we say hello and we listen. yuri tells a story sergie warns us is "terrible" (it is) but we listen nonetheless. we get into a conversation with the girls on the bus. they're from venezuela and italy, they're sisters. the older one tells us we should travel, that it makes you smarter, that you have to see the world, and i promise her i will. the younger one is drunk, vaguely obnoxious and superior and keeps complaning about americans, but i can't hold anything against her because the moment i'm in is not something to complain about. eventually they leave, more people come, and as it gets closer to curfew, the band begins to file in- the bus has to leave at 1:30. so we sit, and we talk. a roadie talks to us for a while, then tommy through a mouthful of mexican food of which he does not know the origin. pedro comes in, and i ask how he likes chicago, he says it's a cool city. i fight with surprising strength the urge to touch his solitary dread, knotted into a bun on the back of his head- it is the most lovely and enticing thing i've ever seen; i immediately want to hug him. people get on the bus, some sit in the front, but other sneak past and head to the back, tired or just not in the mood to hang in a crowded room with fans, either of which works for me because just seeing them is enough. eugene comes in, and in the one moment i promised myself i wouldn't make a fool of myself, i awkwardly giggle and shake his hand as i answer his question by telling him that yes, the show was amazing, and then he is gone. more time passes, i continue questioning whether what is happening is even real, and then it is 1:30 and we have to leave. outside the bus we say our goodbyes to yuri, who has been our ambassador into this guided tour of joy incarnate. we go to the car. "that does not happen to ANYBODY," says Hannah, and i realize how bizzare it is that meeting some people on a bus is a highlight in my life, but only long enough to notice and not care at all because i am so damn happy.
after that, we go find food, we sleep a couple of hours in the car because we have trains and buses and drives to make. i sit in union station at the amtrak terminal, and half- sleep but feeling half- dead, i feel like i am in purgatory. i awake to one of the 4 alarms i set (not wanting a more disastrous repeat of the beginning of this story) and look around, thinking, it was too good, and now my life is over. where am i? what do i do now? these thoughts carry through, as i board my train, as i jerkily wake time and time again from the train jostling my tired and achy body, as i get off the train into a thunderstorm and i walk into my dorm room, removing my sodden clothes and going straight to the shower. i go about my day tiredly, waiting for the time when i can regulate sleep and begin to feel normal again. but i woke up this morning, and tess is still gone, having adventures with the band which, for me, were cut short by responsibilities i didn't know i would be so ready to abandon, had i still been able, by the end of my experience. and i'm sitting in my room all day, nursing various bruises from my night, stinging little souvenirs that yesterday were swollen and already are beginning to fade. i feel in a spiritual limbo, because even though maybe it was just a concert and maybe just a cool band i got to hang out with for a while, the feelings i felt during that time changed something in me, and i feel different, and i have a band called gogol bordello to thank for it, and i won't forget.
4.14.2010
i have some things to say
- i wish you hadn't forgotten all about me so it would be more satisfying to forget you.nonetheless i'll enjoy it. it hurts me deeply that we can't even be mature, can't even maintain the relationship that YOU begged ME not to abandon, because you suddenly feel i'm some terrible person. i won't deny my wrongdoing; it was inexcusable. but the immaturity and pettiness it takes to go back on such strong words and abandon such a strong foundation astounds me coming from you. i honestly thought we'd always stay close, that you'd know how important you were to me and that the things we exchanged would be enough. sorry that i expected way too much from someone who was supposed to be my friend.
- the way i feel about most people, it's a huge surprise that missing you feels so wonderful. i worried that we would drift apart, but i feel a comfort between us that isn't effected (except maybe to be strengthened) by being separated. i think we are growing closer in new ways, and i'm really glad. i can't wait to spend time with you again.
- even though we don't talk as much or see eachother as we have in the past, you are so much a part of me. i think of you daily, i miss you just as often, and when i talk to you it only renews my sense that we're too connected for distance to matter. i love you like i love my family, and i'm so so glad that regardless of what changes our relationship goes through, that connection only gets stronger.
- you were never good for me, and i know that now, but it's a shame i figure it out just in time for you to realize i have nothing to offer you now. i'm sorry our timing was off, i think we could have been good friends, but i hope for your happiness whenever i think of you.
- i miss being your best friend, but i don't think the connection is salvageable. i still care about you and hope we always stay in touch, but i think we missed our moment.
- i miss you very much, and i thank you more than words can express for all the help and support you've given me. we haven't always seen eye to eye as i've grown up, but i appreciate the respect you've given me and my decisions and your ability to care about me and my happiness no matter what is going on around me. i love you and i'm glad i'm finally able to appreciate how important that is.
- i can't wait to see you and scratch your ears and let you lick my face and cuddle with you by the fire. you're counted among my best friends, even though you can't talk. i miss you and love you!
+++
the identities of these aren't a secret, and if any of the people represented were to read it and want to know, you can ask. though, it should be pretty obvious if you're on here. the last, especially, though she will never know. =P
have a lovely day.
jesaka
- the way i feel about most people, it's a huge surprise that missing you feels so wonderful. i worried that we would drift apart, but i feel a comfort between us that isn't effected (except maybe to be strengthened) by being separated. i think we are growing closer in new ways, and i'm really glad. i can't wait to spend time with you again.
- even though we don't talk as much or see eachother as we have in the past, you are so much a part of me. i think of you daily, i miss you just as often, and when i talk to you it only renews my sense that we're too connected for distance to matter. i love you like i love my family, and i'm so so glad that regardless of what changes our relationship goes through, that connection only gets stronger.
- you were never good for me, and i know that now, but it's a shame i figure it out just in time for you to realize i have nothing to offer you now. i'm sorry our timing was off, i think we could have been good friends, but i hope for your happiness whenever i think of you.
- i miss being your best friend, but i don't think the connection is salvageable. i still care about you and hope we always stay in touch, but i think we missed our moment.
- i miss you very much, and i thank you more than words can express for all the help and support you've given me. we haven't always seen eye to eye as i've grown up, but i appreciate the respect you've given me and my decisions and your ability to care about me and my happiness no matter what is going on around me. i love you and i'm glad i'm finally able to appreciate how important that is.
- i can't wait to see you and scratch your ears and let you lick my face and cuddle with you by the fire. you're counted among my best friends, even though you can't talk. i miss you and love you!
+++
the identities of these aren't a secret, and if any of the people represented were to read it and want to know, you can ask. though, it should be pretty obvious if you're on here. the last, especially, though she will never know. =P
have a lovely day.
jesaka
4.12.2010
bitch bitch bitch
or, why my life is awesome
-i suck at homework, and going to class, and basically anything that would make my hellish stay here in collegeland less hellish and more worthwhile. i feel like a failure.
-i really really enjoy having no boyfriend and being separated from my best friends, literally the only people to whom i make any sense at all, and barely being able to communicate with the friends i have, and basically having no one around to talk to or open up to at all, and ending up spending all my time talking to my family because they're the closest people who will listen to my problems without getting all judgey or better, not understanding/caring at all. i am incomparably lonely.
- the reason i'm here in the first place is art, and i feel like i'm getting nowhere. everyone else is more creative, more interesting, and just better than i am. most days i wake up thinking, "there's no point in trying."
-the closest to happy i get is when i am completely alone. when i'm suddenly around people, people i'm supposed to like, i clam up, i stress out, and i have to get the hell out of there immediately. i'd like to not be this way, but there's not much i can do about the overwhelming sense of irritation i have when i'm forced into social situations, even super casual ones. i'm bound to become a freakish shut-in.
-I MISS MY DOGS. contraband hermit crabs cannot take the place of years of cuddling and listening to me whine (yes i talk to my dog, deal with it) and basically being like a secondary (/tertiary) best friend.
- i am sick and tired of being broke. if my family didn't take pity on me, i would literally have negative money. i owe this school money for things i didn't know i was going to have to pay for, i'm exhausted from always worrying about it, and no one whose job it is to help has done anything to assist me. if i were really getting something out of this experience, i might feel differently about the situation. but as it stands, i feel like i am paying someone to make me tired and sad, but for some silly reason not being able to pay them just makes me sadder and more tired. college is a ripoff, at least in my case. i could have taken all that loan money and f**king moved to france.
for these reasons and so many other stupid tiny ones (yes stupider and more tiny than those listed) i officially hate college. i hope to find a way out of returning. but i won't. because that is my life. one big ball of fuck you straight from the universe to me.
-i suck at homework, and going to class, and basically anything that would make my hellish stay here in collegeland less hellish and more worthwhile. i feel like a failure.
-i really really enjoy having no boyfriend and being separated from my best friends, literally the only people to whom i make any sense at all, and barely being able to communicate with the friends i have, and basically having no one around to talk to or open up to at all, and ending up spending all my time talking to my family because they're the closest people who will listen to my problems without getting all judgey or better, not understanding/caring at all. i am incomparably lonely.
- the reason i'm here in the first place is art, and i feel like i'm getting nowhere. everyone else is more creative, more interesting, and just better than i am. most days i wake up thinking, "there's no point in trying."
-the closest to happy i get is when i am completely alone. when i'm suddenly around people, people i'm supposed to like, i clam up, i stress out, and i have to get the hell out of there immediately. i'd like to not be this way, but there's not much i can do about the overwhelming sense of irritation i have when i'm forced into social situations, even super casual ones. i'm bound to become a freakish shut-in.
-I MISS MY DOGS. contraband hermit crabs cannot take the place of years of cuddling and listening to me whine (yes i talk to my dog, deal with it) and basically being like a secondary (/tertiary) best friend.
- i am sick and tired of being broke. if my family didn't take pity on me, i would literally have negative money. i owe this school money for things i didn't know i was going to have to pay for, i'm exhausted from always worrying about it, and no one whose job it is to help has done anything to assist me. if i were really getting something out of this experience, i might feel differently about the situation. but as it stands, i feel like i am paying someone to make me tired and sad, but for some silly reason not being able to pay them just makes me sadder and more tired. college is a ripoff, at least in my case. i could have taken all that loan money and f**king moved to france.
for these reasons and so many other stupid tiny ones (yes stupider and more tiny than those listed) i officially hate college. i hope to find a way out of returning. but i won't. because that is my life. one big ball of fuck you straight from the universe to me.
4.11.2010
there is a hole in the bottom of my foot
and i think my soul is leaking out of it.
the earth has found a way to steal all my good vibes; surely this is why:
i am failing a class
i hate the others, though i managed to pass them
i want to drop out of college and move to france
i don't believe any of my friends are truly my friends
i have no interest in social interactions
last night i sat at a party and read a book.
for example.
this blog post is sure to contain any number of complaints.
however, life isn't all bad. the sun shines, and i wake up every day, and it's good. art and love and enjoying grass between your toes, those are all free, and i have them. still, the need for solitude stirs within me a lot more often than normal these days. there are people i like, sure, but it seems like i only like them, am only interested in anything really, in theory. just for the moment it takes me to decide how i feel about something, i actually feel it. then i return to blankness, uncaring, barely attentive, not even there. i never know what people say when they speak to me. i find no value in small, cursory social interactions. i'd do just as well to sit home and read. but to some this is a large distinction: either you are the type to stay home and not search out company, or the type to flourish in a "social" situation full of meaningless interactions. I say, make it count. a real connection with a person, being interested in what they have to say, even if only on a certain topic, is so much more worthwhile. i think we're bound to disagree, the world and i. in the meantime i will fight my way through the sameness by hiding in alcoves whatever chance i get, really trying to care what people have to say, and being interested in things outside my head. it's all about balance.
read books,
jesaka
the earth has found a way to steal all my good vibes; surely this is why:
i am failing a class
i hate the others, though i managed to pass them
i want to drop out of college and move to france
i don't believe any of my friends are truly my friends
i have no interest in social interactions
last night i sat at a party and read a book.
for example.
this blog post is sure to contain any number of complaints.
however, life isn't all bad. the sun shines, and i wake up every day, and it's good. art and love and enjoying grass between your toes, those are all free, and i have them. still, the need for solitude stirs within me a lot more often than normal these days. there are people i like, sure, but it seems like i only like them, am only interested in anything really, in theory. just for the moment it takes me to decide how i feel about something, i actually feel it. then i return to blankness, uncaring, barely attentive, not even there. i never know what people say when they speak to me. i find no value in small, cursory social interactions. i'd do just as well to sit home and read. but to some this is a large distinction: either you are the type to stay home and not search out company, or the type to flourish in a "social" situation full of meaningless interactions. I say, make it count. a real connection with a person, being interested in what they have to say, even if only on a certain topic, is so much more worthwhile. i think we're bound to disagree, the world and i. in the meantime i will fight my way through the sameness by hiding in alcoves whatever chance i get, really trying to care what people have to say, and being interested in things outside my head. it's all about balance.
read books,
jesaka
3.19.2010
I have this problem
where i forget to keep blogging all the time. For this i apologize whole- heartedly to anyone out there in the blogiverse who is actually taking time out of their busy and fulfilled life to come to this page only to be met by the disappointment of no new posts. This one's for you guys (ie, no one).
Basically i have spent the last few months following a really simple schedule:
Wake up about 20 minutes later than i was supposed to
dress quickly, paying little attention to what i am wearing
go to class, immediately check out and think about more interesting things (my ever-present concern about the final destruction of the universe is a big one) so as to remain awake.
come back from class, read and/or sleep
watch movies
repeat with occasional breaks for horrible dining hall food and walking around outside when the weather's nice.
which it is and has been for the last week or so.
There is something so cathartic about the transition from winter to spring. All of a sudden you can take off your shoes outside and instead of "ow i have frostbite" you're greeted with the sensation of grass between your toes. For me, life simply does not get better than this. It's a time to rediscover all the things i like the most. Tiny adventures you could miss any other day you just happen to stumble across. I like the idea of everything becoming new again; as someone who tires easily of routine it's easy to become jaded with the same things you see every day, and to forget how amazing most things really are. With that said, i hope spring is bringing new things into everyone's life, and with it a renewed sense of those things that are always important, those small moments we often overlook.
Hug Trees,
jesaka
Basically i have spent the last few months following a really simple schedule:
Wake up about 20 minutes later than i was supposed to
dress quickly, paying little attention to what i am wearing
go to class, immediately check out and think about more interesting things (my ever-present concern about the final destruction of the universe is a big one) so as to remain awake.
come back from class, read and/or sleep
watch movies
repeat with occasional breaks for horrible dining hall food and walking around outside when the weather's nice.
which it is and has been for the last week or so.
There is something so cathartic about the transition from winter to spring. All of a sudden you can take off your shoes outside and instead of "ow i have frostbite" you're greeted with the sensation of grass between your toes. For me, life simply does not get better than this. It's a time to rediscover all the things i like the most. Tiny adventures you could miss any other day you just happen to stumble across. I like the idea of everything becoming new again; as someone who tires easily of routine it's easy to become jaded with the same things you see every day, and to forget how amazing most things really are. With that said, i hope spring is bringing new things into everyone's life, and with it a renewed sense of those things that are always important, those small moments we often overlook.
Hug Trees,
jesaka
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