escapeulator

Such Great Heights- Iron& Wine
this song makes me think of you, every single time i hear it. you continue ignoring me. it's fine. i'm getting used to it (sort of.)
i still miss you.
i still don't think i'll ever deserve you in my life again.
you seem to know this better than i do.
it tears me up to know you're out there and you want nothing to do with me.
i can't find peace when i try to sleep.i think of you every day. it makes my heart swell to hear your words in my head. you cared about me in all the ways i wanted to be cared about.i'm realizing you're not going to let me tell you these things face to face, but they take up too much space where my head used to be.
things aren't all bad,but there's a whole part of myself that just doesn't ever feel quite right.a buzzing cloud constantly on the verge of waking up from sleep.i hope that you're well.i hope that you're happy. i hope that you think of me sometimes, and i hope that when you do there are at least some good memories there.
other things,in case i'm not the only person who reads this, so you don't think i'm a total sap. (though i guess i am.)
i may have an artist apprenticeship thing going on for the summer. it doesn't pay, but it will help me get other internships which will help me get work experience which will help me get to france. somehow. i haven't figured it out yet. i just know i need to get there. i also know that when i get there, i won't be coming back. not in any permanent sense. i can't see it. my life doesn't live where i am anymore.i'm getting left behind, always getting lost, trying to hang on to what's moving further and further in every direction but the one i know deep down that i am headed.
i love those moments when i'm listening to other people talk, and i let it get a little out of context, lose myself in the sounds, and it's like i've never heard anyone speak english before. it has to tap into something primitive in my brain, something in my language center that forgets itself and breaks down the sounds,and it's like i don't know what century i'm on or what continent i'm on, for a split second. i forget the meanings of words and the definitions of rights and lefts, i forget the difference between am and pm, and all the little human constructs we should know tend to escape me. obviously there is something fatally wrong with my brain as no number of mnemonics can help me to remember these things, and furthermore, i will never think they are important.
i want to live in the woods, or in a cabin or something, but someplace that won't creep me out and make me afraid.
i want to take a trip to a place i've never been, someplace i don't know a soul. i want to be completely alone, yet surrounded by other people. i hope to experience this soon. i am hoping it will bring me clarity on my true intent for myself.
it may be narcissistic, the fact that i find the most ease in talking to myself (or no one).i think i am really weird. i'm always aching for things no one else ever even acknowledges. no one i know at least.i need to meet some strangers.
i can't think of anything for longer than a few seconds, i can't concentrate, my head hurts, but i feel overwhelmingly positive in a faraway sort of way.
i'm knitting a sweater.