I so miss having colored hair. Not even that it looked that awesome, (even though sometimes it really, really did.) I just miss the time when that was part of me. Even though i've grown a lot since i left high school and home, and i'm smarter and more mature, i also really miss this fearlessness that i never even knew was present in me until i woke up one day and realized it had been all used up. i'm smarter, yes, but people get smarter every day, and true wisdom comes from applying what you know to bettering yourself, not just changing based on what you know. i worry that i'm losing myself. i sometimes feel like i'm a character in other peoples' lives, that my own has no significance, because i'm not making anything of it. at the end of the day, i don't always feel like i've accomplished anything. i don't think i'm happy anymore, because for a while i was happy and then everything got all fucked up and i realized it wasn't real and i recoiled from any of the things i believed were right and good. but i was wrong to think that happiness was in permanence. i was happy then because i was risking being unhappy. now, i don't risk anything. i fear depending on others, i can't feel my emotions anymore, i just witness them. now, i don't know how to stop being afraid of living my life. and i'm thinking maybe i was better off oblivious to how naive i was being.
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