time waits for no one

i think you could say i am turning over a new leaf.
i've had a lot on my mind, thinking and worrying over and deciding about what i will and won't accept in my life. i realize that one of my largest flaws is allowing myself to worry too much about other people. it's not that i'm a follower, not in the technical sense of the word, but that i am, maybe, too loyal(if you can pretend i phrased that in a less self- righteous way). i am realizing very quickly that i am just no longer in a position to always struggle to make time for those that don't make time for me. this happens in so many of my relationships. too many concessions, too much forgiveness, leniency on things that should not even be negotiable, and all of it one- sided. frankly, i'm not going to take it anymore. for too much of my life, i kept quiet about what i thought or felt, and unless i had some strong conviction i felt it was easier to go along with everyone else and not think what it was that i wanted to do. someone told me that if you just don't give a shit about people, you'll find out who the real important ones are when they pick up the slack and THEY give a shit about YOU for a change. so, effectually, this is what i'm doing. it's too hard, and really really unrealistic for me to say i won't make any effort towards anyone or anything. but right now, i'm worried about ME, first and foremost. because it doesn't matter at all how important any someone is to me, it doesn't matter that i love them enough to give my life for, i'm still not going to LIVE my life for anyone but me, because that is what everyone else is (or should be) doing. i've let other people's isms define me for too long,and it's given me a really skewed and sad picture of what relationships are like. i don't want things to be that way, because there are some relationships i really treasure and i don't want to grow jaded with them (as is unfortunately happening already) just because of things i've experienced in the past.
so, now that i've gone off on a good long ramble, i digress to a point: i'm giving up worrying about how i relate to other people, i have enough worry in my very nature without adding to it with unnecessary woes. there are people i've been trying for too long to appease, people i've been trying too hard to win over, and all of that is going to stop. if you give a shit about me, you'll let me know, and not because i say i won't try but because you'll WANT to try(this applies to some people very specifically). put simply, if i stop calling you, call me. if i stop trying to salvage a connection, pick up the slack. or don't, and let that tell me how you really feel. i know this probably means i'll be deleting a lot of people from my life. those people, the ones who make you worry and care too much but never put in any effort, they're like junk mail- whether or not i wanted them in the first place, i sure as hell don't need them now.
take care.
jesaka