internet home visit

in my dream last night, someone i used to know came to my house and kidnapped my mother, and then i went on a mission to find him and collect my mother and his testicles. it was interesting how immediate that solution was in my head. i found him in a bar along some train tracks after my friends and i evaded the people he'd sent after us. i don't know why my dreams always look like cool movies that need to be made, and i wish they still made sense once i woke up. this one looked like a modern western. i was the heroine, and that feeling was new. sadly i was awoken by chainsaws outside (at 9am. on a sunday) so i'll never know if i caught up with him or not.
i am frustrated. as weird as it seems to me, i guess it is just in my nature to care a lot about people. that doesn't mean i always like them, but it bugs me to not be proactive when it comes to people i care about. i slipped up a couple of times, and i am still kind of operating in the patterns of worry and self- sacrifice for the sake of other people.but i can't really see that as a bad thing, as long as i can learn moderation. it hurts me a lot to find that once i gave up, some relationships i had always thought to be strong immediately fell in. (you should know that i still do, and probably will for some time, miss you very much- in case you happen to come across this in search of more things to hold against me.)
i don't want to keep anymore secrets. i don't let anyone inside my little bubble. no one really knows what i want, what i do, what i REALLY think, and i think it's time i let some people in on my little private jokes. i just don't know who'd care enough to listen for a punchline that probably only i find funny.
jesaka