two more dreams since the last one

and it's like i can't move forward in the steps laid out for me, the ones that lead me toward waking up without the echo of your voice in my ears, time after ceaseless time.
the aches i face are beyond unheard sorries and unwanted penances; the principal of so much regret as the basis for my day to day is my downfall and one of the only things that keeps me feeling anything at all.
every dream is a little more than the last, a longer look, an extra word and less hesitation, a more meaningful touch or gesture. lately things are taking a turn for the insincere and bitter, and the colors are nolonger vibrant and beautiful; now, despite hearing your voice preserved like my memory were a jar and spending my waking life reprocessing, again and again, feelings i let (or forced) myself to forget, it's a relief to wake into the same certainty of you not missing me, rather than the confusing arena of my dreams where it seems you want to forgive me, that time is taking its toll in a purely subconscious way.
and if this is true, i don't know what the future holds, and what lonliness and regret will give way to. i don't know what it means that after all this time, i still dream of you enough to keep me wondering what the reality in waking life has to do with those plots as mixed up as my feelings about you (new versus old).
maybe i should not even have feelings about you, and i should keep dreaming to wean myself from the promise of remembering.
maybe it's almost, finally, time to forget, to give up on you like you gave up on me.