i sure know how to pick 'em

I am cohabitating with a spider.I tried to kill it and it ran. I feel badly about this, but not enough to stop wishing for its demise. i can’t sleep and I itch all the time. It won’t come out to just let me kill it. So many tiny creepy crawly problems I can’t nail down to hammer out. You creepy disgusting spider, I wish you were the worst thing keeping me awake.
I dreamt last night that we were swimming, in a beautiful town that was nothing but lakes and water and slides and sunshine. You met me at the top of the slide and suddenly I was not afraid to go down anymore. We enjoyed eachother’s company; we didn’t talk about bad things yet we still had plenty to say. But it was like you weren’t really there. The you I saw was dead or didn’t exist to everyone else, and in some moments I felt you were dead to me as well. But you said “I love you,” and looked at me, and I said the same, then we carried on with our day. The house was on fire, but I found you and then I was safe. When you were gone, it got dark and then I was someplace else, someplace I didn’t want to be.
It reminded me of that day at the greenhouse, when you held my hand and we fed geese and you kissed my forehead while we walked. The sun slanted down on your face in exactly the same way. I miss caring about you and not feeling bad about it. I miss wanting to love you, a feeling that has been replaced by wishing I didn’t care so much. If I could I would fix everything for you, I’d spend my time making your life perfect. I don’t know why I feel this way. But there are too many things separating me from the way I wish I could feel about you. Caring, but detached. Loving, but unobligated. I think the truth here, the one I run from and simultaneously chase after, is that I do love you, the problem being that I only love the you in my dreams, the melding of things that don’t exist anymore and things that never will.