bitch bitch bitch

or, why my life is awesome
-i suck at homework, and going to class, and basically anything that would make my hellish stay here in collegeland less hellish and more worthwhile. i feel like a failure.
-i really really enjoy having no boyfriend and being separated from my best friends, literally the only people to whom i make any sense at all, and barely being able to communicate with the friends i have, and basically having no one around to talk to or open up to at all, and ending up spending all my time talking to my family because they're the closest people who will listen to my problems without getting all judgey or better, not understanding/caring at all. i am incomparably lonely.
- the reason i'm here in the first place is art, and i feel like i'm getting nowhere. everyone else is more creative, more interesting, and just better than i am. most days i wake up thinking, "there's no point in trying."
-the closest to happy i get is when i am completely alone. when i'm suddenly around people, people i'm supposed to like, i clam up, i stress out, and i have to get the hell out of there immediately. i'd like to not be this way, but there's not much i can do about the overwhelming sense of irritation i have when i'm forced into social situations, even super casual ones. i'm bound to become a freakish shut-in.
-I MISS MY DOGS. contraband hermit crabs cannot take the place of years of cuddling and listening to me whine (yes i talk to my dog, deal with it) and basically being like a secondary (/tertiary) best friend.
- i am sick and tired of being broke. if my family didn't take pity on me, i would literally have negative money. i owe this school money for things i didn't know i was going to have to pay for, i'm exhausted from always worrying about it, and no one whose job it is to help has done anything to assist me. if i were really getting something out of this experience, i might feel differently about the situation. but as it stands, i feel like i am paying someone to make me tired and sad, but for some silly reason not being able to pay them just makes me sadder and more tired. college is a ripoff, at least in my case. i could have taken all that loan money and f**king moved to france.
for these reasons and so many other stupid tiny ones (yes stupider and more tiny than those listed) i officially hate college. i hope to find a way out of returning. but i won't. because that is my life. one big ball of fuck you straight from the universe to me.