there is a hole in the bottom of my foot

and i think my soul is leaking out of it.
the earth has found a way to steal all my good vibes; surely this is why:
i am failing a class
i hate the others, though i managed to pass them
i want to drop out of college and move to france
i don't believe any of my friends are truly my friends
i have no interest in social interactions
last night i sat at a party and read a book.
for example.
this blog post is sure to contain any number of complaints.
however, life isn't all bad. the sun shines, and i wake up every day, and it's good. art and love and enjoying grass between your toes, those are all free, and i have them. still, the need for solitude stirs within me a lot more often than normal these days. there are people i like, sure, but it seems like i only like them, am only interested in anything really, in theory. just for the moment it takes me to decide how i feel about something, i actually feel it. then i return to blankness, uncaring, barely attentive, not even there. i never know what people say when they speak to me. i find no value in small, cursory social interactions. i'd do just as well to sit home and read. but to some this is a large distinction: either you are the type to stay home and not search out company, or the type to flourish in a "social" situation full of meaningless interactions. I say, make it count. a real connection with a person, being interested in what they have to say, even if only on a certain topic, is so much more worthwhile. i think we're bound to disagree, the world and i. in the meantime i will fight my way through the sameness by hiding in alcoves whatever chance i get, really trying to care what people have to say, and being interested in things outside my head. it's all about balance.
read books,
jesaka