after a strange dream, really a moving collage of memories with you on the fringes, a stack of cards told me it meant an end, a book and a database, all compiled by people i've never met or spoken to, told me personally that it was time to move on. to leave this place, to go to another, or that i'd maybe even arrived someplace new already.
but i miss your driveway.
i could have been a fucking creep so many times, and i came close, believe me. i just wanted to see that tree in front, park across the street, and see you look out the window or open the door. i wanted to know if your car was there, if you even still drive the same car, what you might be doing in your room (and whether it looked the same) or wherever else you might be. it's too much to wonder sometimes, wonder what course of action could have made it so i was meant to be there. but no, i'm a ghost, and you're a shoebox in a dream. you don't want to think about me, and i bet that if you do, you feel the sort of discomfort like passing nausea or an awkward glance from someone with whom you used to share secrets. if you don't believe i ever cared, don't think i really kept those secrets, don't think i treasured those tiny spaces and workings of fingertips and eyelashes, well you should take this (me, here, miles and miles away and even further in time and actions and regrets and everything else filling this distance) to prove you wrong. it is the most comfortable ache i know now (of all the aches that have settled into my heart over this time, most of which have nothing to do with you) to wonder about you, about what could have been, to indulge myself not to forget each dream you appear in (there are sparse now) and to allow myself to believe over this time the products of my unconscious are some universal cue that you've forgiven me, or maybe even that a chance encounter will confirm that, one day.
no, nothing about you is for me anymore, i'm allowed only the memories i chose to keep, and those i didn't soil with foolishness. it's hard to live a life based on what ifs, but for now they are all i have, and i admit, i'm getting better at it.
4.16.2011
12.06.2010
two more dreams since the last one
and it's like i can't move forward in the steps laid out for me, the ones that lead me toward waking up without the echo of your voice in my ears, time after ceaseless time.
the aches i face are beyond unheard sorries and unwanted penances; the principal of so much regret as the basis for my day to day is my downfall and one of the only things that keeps me feeling anything at all.
every dream is a little more than the last, a longer look, an extra word and less hesitation, a more meaningful touch or gesture. lately things are taking a turn for the insincere and bitter, and the colors are nolonger vibrant and beautiful; now, despite hearing your voice preserved like my memory were a jar and spending my waking life reprocessing, again and again, feelings i let (or forced) myself to forget, it's a relief to wake into the same certainty of you not missing me, rather than the confusing arena of my dreams where it seems you want to forgive me, that time is taking its toll in a purely subconscious way.
and if this is true, i don't know what the future holds, and what lonliness and regret will give way to. i don't know what it means that after all this time, i still dream of you enough to keep me wondering what the reality in waking life has to do with those plots as mixed up as my feelings about you (new versus old).
maybe i should not even have feelings about you, and i should keep dreaming to wean myself from the promise of remembering.
maybe it's almost, finally, time to forget, to give up on you like you gave up on me.
the aches i face are beyond unheard sorries and unwanted penances; the principal of so much regret as the basis for my day to day is my downfall and one of the only things that keeps me feeling anything at all.
every dream is a little more than the last, a longer look, an extra word and less hesitation, a more meaningful touch or gesture. lately things are taking a turn for the insincere and bitter, and the colors are nolonger vibrant and beautiful; now, despite hearing your voice preserved like my memory were a jar and spending my waking life reprocessing, again and again, feelings i let (or forced) myself to forget, it's a relief to wake into the same certainty of you not missing me, rather than the confusing arena of my dreams where it seems you want to forgive me, that time is taking its toll in a purely subconscious way.
and if this is true, i don't know what the future holds, and what lonliness and regret will give way to. i don't know what it means that after all this time, i still dream of you enough to keep me wondering what the reality in waking life has to do with those plots as mixed up as my feelings about you (new versus old).
maybe i should not even have feelings about you, and i should keep dreaming to wean myself from the promise of remembering.
maybe it's almost, finally, time to forget, to give up on you like you gave up on me.
12.01.2010
white lies
it doesn't even feel real knowing you tell someone else the secrets that used to belong to the spaces between our respective lips and ears. displaced but not replaced, where do i fit into the picture you never finished erasing before changing your viewpoint and starting over? and it's fine, that you need to make changes and that i don't fit into what makes you happy- because you know i never wanted you unhappy- but it's not fair to appropriate what isn't entirely yours.
all those certain groups of words we fumbled to turn into archetypes of that dynamic, how am i supposed to feel seeing that parts i loaned to the bigger picture hang so far out of my view?
your silence says so much more than civil words ever could. they keep my apologies afloat, keep unspoken goodbyes hanging in the air like breath meeting a world too cold to let it survive; we're passing clouds, indeterminate shapes, we're bitterness-we are angry and it means nothing but ruin if you don't say it out loud.
at night it's worst, and i often feel like even the stars i search for answers can see that something is missing from me; they direct my thoughts to the places it might be hiding, content in your bed like a sleeping lover or underneath like monsters waiting; in hollows and crevices i couldn't have memorized better were they my own.
and it's true that i love you, because love fades and falls away, love gets bruised up and love loses faith and hope, but love doesn't die when it lives in the kind of heart that still remembers the phantom shadow of decoration removed from its walls.
my heart, it beats the same whether you think my name or not, but i can tell that it knows when you do, that it wishes it had words, wishes for ladders to hang them up high enough for us both to, for once, see clearly what it meant to say but never got the chance to.
i think you want me to miss you, as sure as remembering you helps me sleep despite it being a coldly pointed finger at every spot you used to keep warm. i won't forget those instants, how they seemed to wrap themselves in cellophane, tried to prevent the tangles knotted by sharpened corners of the moments we'd rather forget and maybe took too close to heart. those little points of light are beyond regret and guilt, existing only because they do, a reminder of the bright and overwhelming truth it's too late to digest by the time it finally reaches our eyes. i hope she's keeping you warm and that my frantic wishing doesn't disturb your sleep, i hope over these nights your eyes become accustomed to what sentiments i've tucked in the spaces of sky that you can't ignore even with eyes closed, and i think when you finally adjust to that light you'll see that i've been leaving it on for you.
all those certain groups of words we fumbled to turn into archetypes of that dynamic, how am i supposed to feel seeing that parts i loaned to the bigger picture hang so far out of my view?
your silence says so much more than civil words ever could. they keep my apologies afloat, keep unspoken goodbyes hanging in the air like breath meeting a world too cold to let it survive; we're passing clouds, indeterminate shapes, we're bitterness-we are angry and it means nothing but ruin if you don't say it out loud.
at night it's worst, and i often feel like even the stars i search for answers can see that something is missing from me; they direct my thoughts to the places it might be hiding, content in your bed like a sleeping lover or underneath like monsters waiting; in hollows and crevices i couldn't have memorized better were they my own.
and it's true that i love you, because love fades and falls away, love gets bruised up and love loses faith and hope, but love doesn't die when it lives in the kind of heart that still remembers the phantom shadow of decoration removed from its walls.
my heart, it beats the same whether you think my name or not, but i can tell that it knows when you do, that it wishes it had words, wishes for ladders to hang them up high enough for us both to, for once, see clearly what it meant to say but never got the chance to.
i think you want me to miss you, as sure as remembering you helps me sleep despite it being a coldly pointed finger at every spot you used to keep warm. i won't forget those instants, how they seemed to wrap themselves in cellophane, tried to prevent the tangles knotted by sharpened corners of the moments we'd rather forget and maybe took too close to heart. those little points of light are beyond regret and guilt, existing only because they do, a reminder of the bright and overwhelming truth it's too late to digest by the time it finally reaches our eyes. i hope she's keeping you warm and that my frantic wishing doesn't disturb your sleep, i hope over these nights your eyes become accustomed to what sentiments i've tucked in the spaces of sky that you can't ignore even with eyes closed, and i think when you finally adjust to that light you'll see that i've been leaving it on for you.
9.26.2010
at this rate i'll probably never stop dreaming.
dream last night: at siu, wandering around for a party, but parts of the city looked like chinatown, twinkle lights and good luck cats, that sort of thing.
you rolled into town, right next to our car. i saw all your friends, my heart leapt, your profile and that red shirt in my periphery, losing it.
you look at me in the sort of way you don't really look at someone; i try hard not to stare.
i'm not even sure if you're real anymore, i realize i almost forgot what your face looks like.
front porch party, we're there and so are you. you seem wounded and vulnerable, i'm giddy with fear, i feel like you will evaporate.
i hear you telling me i'm wrong, telling me i don't exist and neither do you, telling me nothing at all because your silence is aimed like a flaming arrow in my direction.
i'm sorry, sorry, i'm so sorry.
the words well up like hot springs then dribble out my mouth like a leaky faucet; it will never, ever be enough to be as sorry as i am.
this is only a problem because i could never be more sorry.
not for a second do i forget, awake or asleep, crying or laughing, you're the leftover thought pattern and missing you is becoming the glue that holds everything else together. but the peices, they don't fit so well, having cracked at the edges and gotten mixed up as you cracked them all with those 7 pages, that one sentiment, those final words- leave me alone.
i enter doors, i go up stairs, i'm looking for something that makes it real, makes it make sense, but the lights don't go on and when they do it's no one flipping the switch. in places you're not a frantic emptiness takes over me, and soon i am waking up, tumbling, groping the air for the doorknob that opens to where you are.
half conscious, i know the door is locked, then i am gone altogether.
i keep trying to say goodbye, but i just want you to come back.
one day maybe you will, and maybe i won't blame you for the time you were gone.
i won't.
you rolled into town, right next to our car. i saw all your friends, my heart leapt, your profile and that red shirt in my periphery, losing it.
you look at me in the sort of way you don't really look at someone; i try hard not to stare.
i'm not even sure if you're real anymore, i realize i almost forgot what your face looks like.
front porch party, we're there and so are you. you seem wounded and vulnerable, i'm giddy with fear, i feel like you will evaporate.
i hear you telling me i'm wrong, telling me i don't exist and neither do you, telling me nothing at all because your silence is aimed like a flaming arrow in my direction.
i'm sorry, sorry, i'm so sorry.
the words well up like hot springs then dribble out my mouth like a leaky faucet; it will never, ever be enough to be as sorry as i am.
this is only a problem because i could never be more sorry.
not for a second do i forget, awake or asleep, crying or laughing, you're the leftover thought pattern and missing you is becoming the glue that holds everything else together. but the peices, they don't fit so well, having cracked at the edges and gotten mixed up as you cracked them all with those 7 pages, that one sentiment, those final words- leave me alone.
i enter doors, i go up stairs, i'm looking for something that makes it real, makes it make sense, but the lights don't go on and when they do it's no one flipping the switch. in places you're not a frantic emptiness takes over me, and soon i am waking up, tumbling, groping the air for the doorknob that opens to where you are.
half conscious, i know the door is locked, then i am gone altogether.
i keep trying to say goodbye, but i just want you to come back.
one day maybe you will, and maybe i won't blame you for the time you were gone.
i won't.
9.08.2010
just keep on
pretending the high road doesn't look idyllic from the trench that, yes, i dug, but you yourself flung your being into with such force. it takes a force, alright, to divide what the same souls hated to let part (once).
i boil over and burn at the thought of letting cool a passion that burned red hot, knowing it ends in empty black and memories long stripped of any luster. i started the fire and i passed the torch to you, but on my chance at beating back the heat i tried my best to keep you free from that scalding disappointment. remorse is thankless, gratitude a rare happenstance now, and apologies will never suffice to heal what is ultimately self- inflicted.
i boil over and burn at the thought of letting cool a passion that burned red hot, knowing it ends in empty black and memories long stripped of any luster. i started the fire and i passed the torch to you, but on my chance at beating back the heat i tried my best to keep you free from that scalding disappointment. remorse is thankless, gratitude a rare happenstance now, and apologies will never suffice to heal what is ultimately self- inflicted.
8.03.2010
underpants dance.
it's my birthday today, so i'm dancing in my underpants at midnight, as is my tradition. it occurs to me that i am marginally bummed despite it being my birthday. i don't know why this is, don't have a direction in mind for this post, just felt the need to use it to say.. things. blah bleh bluh.
i am becoming so boring, and also i think i am losing it once and for all. normally it would take weeks for me to work up to the things i now say with abandon to anyone who will listen, and especially to those who won't. i have truly entered a space of not caring what anyone thinks about me, being unapologetic and truly learning to embrace myself for my flaws and mistakes and also for my passions. i've become more in touch with who i am and what i want, and it's turned me into what outwardly looks like a more brash, even more forthright, kind of bitchy, spaced- out version of myself. it would seem that at long last, i truly Do Not Give A Fuck.
and that, dear readers, EFFING RULES. some things:
go and paint a picture. i do not care if you can't paint, i do not care if you've never painted or drawn. paint a picture. it is good for your soul. it's nonverbal communication with the universe. it's motility in verse. it's a bunch of other really cool shit everyone needs to experience.
talk to a stranger. branch out, meet new people, and see how surprisingly easy it is to get lost in others rather that being too lost in yourself to notice others.
tell someone exactly what you think of them, good or bad. if you have grievances to air that are distracting you in your life, get them out. if you have a problem with someone, don't accuse, don't blame, don't confront. just say what you need to say, it doesn't matter what happens from then, because it's all about finding the closure you need, and whatever happens after that isn't even up to you.
BE OPEN. everyone has a different point of view, every single one of us. allow yourself to be completely free of selfishness and let down the guard you keep up to refrain from questioning your position, and just understand. empathize. give a shit.
this is advice from myself, directed at myself, that i need to follow. it's vague, because i have some very nondescript issues hindering my personal growth and i need to take steps to better prepare myself to deal with these situations. i am turning into a weirdo. i don't experience my emotions, i just witness them. by the time i've felt something, it's already gone, and it seems my entire existence as it relates to sensation and perception is a game of cat and mouse, me constantly seeking and being evaded by something lasting and effective, something that will snap me into action and out of this bystander mentality. i feel so good about coming into my own, about exploring my passions, but i feel that something is being lost in the translation. i guess this is a bit of a resolution, a reconciliation, a recognition of the past year and my decision to move forward from it instead of trying to keep recreating it. so here's to you, 18. frankly, you sucked. here goes 19.
i am becoming so boring, and also i think i am losing it once and for all. normally it would take weeks for me to work up to the things i now say with abandon to anyone who will listen, and especially to those who won't. i have truly entered a space of not caring what anyone thinks about me, being unapologetic and truly learning to embrace myself for my flaws and mistakes and also for my passions. i've become more in touch with who i am and what i want, and it's turned me into what outwardly looks like a more brash, even more forthright, kind of bitchy, spaced- out version of myself. it would seem that at long last, i truly Do Not Give A Fuck.
and that, dear readers, EFFING RULES. some things:
go and paint a picture. i do not care if you can't paint, i do not care if you've never painted or drawn. paint a picture. it is good for your soul. it's nonverbal communication with the universe. it's motility in verse. it's a bunch of other really cool shit everyone needs to experience.
talk to a stranger. branch out, meet new people, and see how surprisingly easy it is to get lost in others rather that being too lost in yourself to notice others.
tell someone exactly what you think of them, good or bad. if you have grievances to air that are distracting you in your life, get them out. if you have a problem with someone, don't accuse, don't blame, don't confront. just say what you need to say, it doesn't matter what happens from then, because it's all about finding the closure you need, and whatever happens after that isn't even up to you.
BE OPEN. everyone has a different point of view, every single one of us. allow yourself to be completely free of selfishness and let down the guard you keep up to refrain from questioning your position, and just understand. empathize. give a shit.
this is advice from myself, directed at myself, that i need to follow. it's vague, because i have some very nondescript issues hindering my personal growth and i need to take steps to better prepare myself to deal with these situations. i am turning into a weirdo. i don't experience my emotions, i just witness them. by the time i've felt something, it's already gone, and it seems my entire existence as it relates to sensation and perception is a game of cat and mouse, me constantly seeking and being evaded by something lasting and effective, something that will snap me into action and out of this bystander mentality. i feel so good about coming into my own, about exploring my passions, but i feel that something is being lost in the translation. i guess this is a bit of a resolution, a reconciliation, a recognition of the past year and my decision to move forward from it instead of trying to keep recreating it. so here's to you, 18. frankly, you sucked. here goes 19.
7.18.2010
6.13.2010
i feel too much.
i care worry think hurt and love too much.
i think too many things about too many people, and i will never ever say these things to anyone's face.
so much anonymity, because if i'm being honest, that is just the only way i know how to feel anything without it eating at me, tearing me down and making me feel like i'm just a holding cell for the shit that comes from everyone elses' lives.
i will probably never run out of things to say on these subjects, but they need to be said again and again until i don't feel them anymore.
i can not stop loving you, and i hate you for it because that love has slowly taken away everything i was when i met you and turned me into someone who will never ever be loved the way i love you, the way you love her, the way you actually are capable of caring about someone when you proved to me you couldn't, all because none of it was even real. you feel so lonely and like you are worth nothing, you are in love and it hurts you just like you used to hurt me, yet when i constantly have made myself naive and available to you, no matter WHAT i was feeling, i never mattered for more than the seconds it took for you to get every thing you ever wanted from me.you didn't want my love, now you don't want my friendship, but you want me around, and all i'm left to deduce is i don't mean anything and that's why you can keep me and let it be so empty.because of you and your narcissism i can't believe that anyone really cares about anyone, and i feel stupid for caring still, and i hate that i can't make you as unimportant as you make me feel, so i just fight and fight to keep you in my life, so that i have some semblance left of who i was, and who i thought you were, the only good things that are left out of happiness, and they aren't even real.
and you
i had the chance to let you fill the holes left in my life by others. and you tried so hard, and i felt the right side of the kind of love that before had tried to ruin me. i tried and tried to love you and it just seemed so right but something was missing. that was me, i was just not there. but i tried to be and you knew.you could always tell i wasn't whole anymore, and when all that emptiness gathered up and fought against us, then you stayed, yet somehow later, when we'd gotten past it, you gave up. i don't blame you, because by then it was better that you move on and take all the hope i hadn't robbed from you and run with it. but that's not what i WANTED, and i think- just think, i don't know- that now the reason you're not around is you believe i wanted you gone and thought i would be better off that way.that was not the case, not ever.at the time when i gave up, it was because i didn't think i could do anything better for you. i never ever stopped caring about your happiness, i was just too stupid to know that you were mine.so of course it hurt me when you were gone, and in just trying not to hurt anymore maybe i hurt you some. again, that wasn't my intent.i don't know any kind of magic words that i can tell you to make you see that how i acted was at odds with how ireally felt, that i know i was wrong and that i don't even ask you to forgive me, just believe me and do what you will with the knowledge that i loved you, i care still, and i wish you were still in my life every single day.
i think too many things about too many people, and i will never ever say these things to anyone's face.
so much anonymity, because if i'm being honest, that is just the only way i know how to feel anything without it eating at me, tearing me down and making me feel like i'm just a holding cell for the shit that comes from everyone elses' lives.
i will probably never run out of things to say on these subjects, but they need to be said again and again until i don't feel them anymore.
i can not stop loving you, and i hate you for it because that love has slowly taken away everything i was when i met you and turned me into someone who will never ever be loved the way i love you, the way you love her, the way you actually are capable of caring about someone when you proved to me you couldn't, all because none of it was even real. you feel so lonely and like you are worth nothing, you are in love and it hurts you just like you used to hurt me, yet when i constantly have made myself naive and available to you, no matter WHAT i was feeling, i never mattered for more than the seconds it took for you to get every thing you ever wanted from me.you didn't want my love, now you don't want my friendship, but you want me around, and all i'm left to deduce is i don't mean anything and that's why you can keep me and let it be so empty.because of you and your narcissism i can't believe that anyone really cares about anyone, and i feel stupid for caring still, and i hate that i can't make you as unimportant as you make me feel, so i just fight and fight to keep you in my life, so that i have some semblance left of who i was, and who i thought you were, the only good things that are left out of happiness, and they aren't even real.
and you
i had the chance to let you fill the holes left in my life by others. and you tried so hard, and i felt the right side of the kind of love that before had tried to ruin me. i tried and tried to love you and it just seemed so right but something was missing. that was me, i was just not there. but i tried to be and you knew.you could always tell i wasn't whole anymore, and when all that emptiness gathered up and fought against us, then you stayed, yet somehow later, when we'd gotten past it, you gave up. i don't blame you, because by then it was better that you move on and take all the hope i hadn't robbed from you and run with it. but that's not what i WANTED, and i think- just think, i don't know- that now the reason you're not around is you believe i wanted you gone and thought i would be better off that way.that was not the case, not ever.at the time when i gave up, it was because i didn't think i could do anything better for you. i never ever stopped caring about your happiness, i was just too stupid to know that you were mine.so of course it hurt me when you were gone, and in just trying not to hurt anymore maybe i hurt you some. again, that wasn't my intent.i don't know any kind of magic words that i can tell you to make you see that how i acted was at odds with how ireally felt, that i know i was wrong and that i don't even ask you to forgive me, just believe me and do what you will with the knowledge that i loved you, i care still, and i wish you were still in my life every single day.
6.08.2010
i sure know how to pick 'em
I am cohabitating with a spider.I tried to kill it and it ran. I feel badly about this, but not enough to stop wishing for its demise. i can’t sleep and I itch all the time. It won’t come out to just let me kill it. So many tiny creepy crawly problems I can’t nail down to hammer out. You creepy disgusting spider, I wish you were the worst thing keeping me awake.
I dreamt last night that we were swimming, in a beautiful town that was nothing but lakes and water and slides and sunshine. You met me at the top of the slide and suddenly I was not afraid to go down anymore. We enjoyed eachother’s company; we didn’t talk about bad things yet we still had plenty to say. But it was like you weren’t really there. The you I saw was dead or didn’t exist to everyone else, and in some moments I felt you were dead to me as well. But you said “I love you,” and looked at me, and I said the same, then we carried on with our day. The house was on fire, but I found you and then I was safe. When you were gone, it got dark and then I was someplace else, someplace I didn’t want to be.
It reminded me of that day at the greenhouse, when you held my hand and we fed geese and you kissed my forehead while we walked. The sun slanted down on your face in exactly the same way. I miss caring about you and not feeling bad about it. I miss wanting to love you, a feeling that has been replaced by wishing I didn’t care so much. If I could I would fix everything for you, I’d spend my time making your life perfect. I don’t know why I feel this way. But there are too many things separating me from the way I wish I could feel about you. Caring, but detached. Loving, but unobligated. I think the truth here, the one I run from and simultaneously chase after, is that I do love you, the problem being that I only love the you in my dreams, the melding of things that don’t exist anymore and things that never will.
I dreamt last night that we were swimming, in a beautiful town that was nothing but lakes and water and slides and sunshine. You met me at the top of the slide and suddenly I was not afraid to go down anymore. We enjoyed eachother’s company; we didn’t talk about bad things yet we still had plenty to say. But it was like you weren’t really there. The you I saw was dead or didn’t exist to everyone else, and in some moments I felt you were dead to me as well. But you said “I love you,” and looked at me, and I said the same, then we carried on with our day. The house was on fire, but I found you and then I was safe. When you were gone, it got dark and then I was someplace else, someplace I didn’t want to be.
It reminded me of that day at the greenhouse, when you held my hand and we fed geese and you kissed my forehead while we walked. The sun slanted down on your face in exactly the same way. I miss caring about you and not feeling bad about it. I miss wanting to love you, a feeling that has been replaced by wishing I didn’t care so much. If I could I would fix everything for you, I’d spend my time making your life perfect. I don’t know why I feel this way. But there are too many things separating me from the way I wish I could feel about you. Caring, but detached. Loving, but unobligated. I think the truth here, the one I run from and simultaneously chase after, is that I do love you, the problem being that I only love the you in my dreams, the melding of things that don’t exist anymore and things that never will.
6.05.2010
i take
tiny strides toward routes too long.
i am kept from clarity by too much of what is shoveled from other lives on top of the mess that is mine.
i feel an inch tall and to change it i push mountains by motes to make way for troubles i don't see coming.
i fight to compensate for others' ease in giving up and letting go.
i wait too long and i try too hard, for nothing.
i am kept from clarity by too much of what is shoveled from other lives on top of the mess that is mine.
i feel an inch tall and to change it i push mountains by motes to make way for troubles i don't see coming.
i fight to compensate for others' ease in giving up and letting go.
i wait too long and i try too hard, for nothing.
5.29.2010
escapeulator
this song makes me think of you, every single time i hear it. you continue ignoring me. it's fine. i'm getting used to it (sort of.)
i still miss you.
i still don't think i'll ever deserve you in my life again.
you seem to know this better than i do.
it tears me up to know you're out there and you want nothing to do with me.
i can't find peace when i try to sleep.i think of you every day. it makes my heart swell to hear your words in my head. you cared about me in all the ways i wanted to be cared about.i'm realizing you're not going to let me tell you these things face to face, but they take up too much space where my head used to be.
things aren't all bad,but there's a whole part of myself that just doesn't ever feel quite right.a buzzing cloud constantly on the verge of waking up from sleep.i hope that you're well.i hope that you're happy. i hope that you think of me sometimes, and i hope that when you do there are at least some good memories there.
other things,in case i'm not the only person who reads this, so you don't think i'm a total sap. (though i guess i am.)
i may have an artist apprenticeship thing going on for the summer. it doesn't pay, but it will help me get other internships which will help me get work experience which will help me get to france. somehow. i haven't figured it out yet. i just know i need to get there. i also know that when i get there, i won't be coming back. not in any permanent sense. i can't see it. my life doesn't live where i am anymore.i'm getting left behind, always getting lost, trying to hang on to what's moving further and further in every direction but the one i know deep down that i am headed.
i love those moments when i'm listening to other people talk, and i let it get a little out of context, lose myself in the sounds, and it's like i've never heard anyone speak english before. it has to tap into something primitive in my brain, something in my language center that forgets itself and breaks down the sounds,and it's like i don't know what century i'm on or what continent i'm on, for a split second. i forget the meanings of words and the definitions of rights and lefts, i forget the difference between am and pm, and all the little human constructs we should know tend to escape me. obviously there is something fatally wrong with my brain as no number of mnemonics can help me to remember these things, and furthermore, i will never think they are important.
i want to live in the woods, or in a cabin or something, but someplace that won't creep me out and make me afraid.
i want to take a trip to a place i've never been, someplace i don't know a soul. i want to be completely alone, yet surrounded by other people. i hope to experience this soon. i am hoping it will bring me clarity on my true intent for myself.
it may be narcissistic, the fact that i find the most ease in talking to myself (or no one).i think i am really weird. i'm always aching for things no one else ever even acknowledges. no one i know at least.i need to meet some strangers.
i can't think of anything for longer than a few seconds, i can't concentrate, my head hurts, but i feel overwhelmingly positive in a faraway sort of way.
i'm knitting a sweater.
5.23.2010
internet home visit
in my dream last night, someone i used to know came to my house and kidnapped my mother, and then i went on a mission to find him and collect my mother and his testicles. it was interesting how immediate that solution was in my head. i found him in a bar along some train tracks after my friends and i evaded the people he'd sent after us. i don't know why my dreams always look like cool movies that need to be made, and i wish they still made sense once i woke up. this one looked like a modern western. i was the heroine, and that feeling was new. sadly i was awoken by chainsaws outside (at 9am. on a sunday) so i'll never know if i caught up with him or not.
i am frustrated. as weird as it seems to me, i guess it is just in my nature to care a lot about people. that doesn't mean i always like them, but it bugs me to not be proactive when it comes to people i care about. i slipped up a couple of times, and i am still kind of operating in the patterns of worry and self- sacrifice for the sake of other people.but i can't really see that as a bad thing, as long as i can learn moderation. it hurts me a lot to find that once i gave up, some relationships i had always thought to be strong immediately fell in. (you should know that i still do, and probably will for some time, miss you very much- in case you happen to come across this in search of more things to hold against me.)
i don't want to keep anymore secrets. i don't let anyone inside my little bubble. no one really knows what i want, what i do, what i REALLY think, and i think it's time i let some people in on my little private jokes. i just don't know who'd care enough to listen for a punchline that probably only i find funny.
jesaka
i am frustrated. as weird as it seems to me, i guess it is just in my nature to care a lot about people. that doesn't mean i always like them, but it bugs me to not be proactive when it comes to people i care about. i slipped up a couple of times, and i am still kind of operating in the patterns of worry and self- sacrifice for the sake of other people.but i can't really see that as a bad thing, as long as i can learn moderation. it hurts me a lot to find that once i gave up, some relationships i had always thought to be strong immediately fell in. (you should know that i still do, and probably will for some time, miss you very much- in case you happen to come across this in search of more things to hold against me.)
i don't want to keep anymore secrets. i don't let anyone inside my little bubble. no one really knows what i want, what i do, what i REALLY think, and i think it's time i let some people in on my little private jokes. i just don't know who'd care enough to listen for a punchline that probably only i find funny.
jesaka
5.19.2010
time waits for no one
i think you could say i am turning over a new leaf.
i've had a lot on my mind, thinking and worrying over and deciding about what i will and won't accept in my life. i realize that one of my largest flaws is allowing myself to worry too much about other people. it's not that i'm a follower, not in the technical sense of the word, but that i am, maybe, too loyal(if you can pretend i phrased that in a less self- righteous way). i am realizing very quickly that i am just no longer in a position to always struggle to make time for those that don't make time for me. this happens in so many of my relationships. too many concessions, too much forgiveness, leniency on things that should not even be negotiable, and all of it one- sided. frankly, i'm not going to take it anymore. for too much of my life, i kept quiet about what i thought or felt, and unless i had some strong conviction i felt it was easier to go along with everyone else and not think what it was that i wanted to do. someone told me that if you just don't give a shit about people, you'll find out who the real important ones are when they pick up the slack and THEY give a shit about YOU for a change. so, effectually, this is what i'm doing. it's too hard, and really really unrealistic for me to say i won't make any effort towards anyone or anything. but right now, i'm worried about ME, first and foremost. because it doesn't matter at all how important any someone is to me, it doesn't matter that i love them enough to give my life for, i'm still not going to LIVE my life for anyone but me, because that is what everyone else is (or should be) doing. i've let other people's isms define me for too long,and it's given me a really skewed and sad picture of what relationships are like. i don't want things to be that way, because there are some relationships i really treasure and i don't want to grow jaded with them (as is unfortunately happening already) just because of things i've experienced in the past.
so, now that i've gone off on a good long ramble, i digress to a point: i'm giving up worrying about how i relate to other people, i have enough worry in my very nature without adding to it with unnecessary woes. there are people i've been trying for too long to appease, people i've been trying too hard to win over, and all of that is going to stop. if you give a shit about me, you'll let me know, and not because i say i won't try but because you'll WANT to try(this applies to some people very specifically). put simply, if i stop calling you, call me. if i stop trying to salvage a connection, pick up the slack. or don't, and let that tell me how you really feel. i know this probably means i'll be deleting a lot of people from my life. those people, the ones who make you worry and care too much but never put in any effort, they're like junk mail- whether or not i wanted them in the first place, i sure as hell don't need them now.
take care.
jesaka
i've had a lot on my mind, thinking and worrying over and deciding about what i will and won't accept in my life. i realize that one of my largest flaws is allowing myself to worry too much about other people. it's not that i'm a follower, not in the technical sense of the word, but that i am, maybe, too loyal(if you can pretend i phrased that in a less self- righteous way). i am realizing very quickly that i am just no longer in a position to always struggle to make time for those that don't make time for me. this happens in so many of my relationships. too many concessions, too much forgiveness, leniency on things that should not even be negotiable, and all of it one- sided. frankly, i'm not going to take it anymore. for too much of my life, i kept quiet about what i thought or felt, and unless i had some strong conviction i felt it was easier to go along with everyone else and not think what it was that i wanted to do. someone told me that if you just don't give a shit about people, you'll find out who the real important ones are when they pick up the slack and THEY give a shit about YOU for a change. so, effectually, this is what i'm doing. it's too hard, and really really unrealistic for me to say i won't make any effort towards anyone or anything. but right now, i'm worried about ME, first and foremost. because it doesn't matter at all how important any someone is to me, it doesn't matter that i love them enough to give my life for, i'm still not going to LIVE my life for anyone but me, because that is what everyone else is (or should be) doing. i've let other people's isms define me for too long,and it's given me a really skewed and sad picture of what relationships are like. i don't want things to be that way, because there are some relationships i really treasure and i don't want to grow jaded with them (as is unfortunately happening already) just because of things i've experienced in the past.
so, now that i've gone off on a good long ramble, i digress to a point: i'm giving up worrying about how i relate to other people, i have enough worry in my very nature without adding to it with unnecessary woes. there are people i've been trying for too long to appease, people i've been trying too hard to win over, and all of that is going to stop. if you give a shit about me, you'll let me know, and not because i say i won't try but because you'll WANT to try(this applies to some people very specifically). put simply, if i stop calling you, call me. if i stop trying to salvage a connection, pick up the slack. or don't, and let that tell me how you really feel. i know this probably means i'll be deleting a lot of people from my life. those people, the ones who make you worry and care too much but never put in any effort, they're like junk mail- whether or not i wanted them in the first place, i sure as hell don't need them now.
take care.
jesaka
5.16.2010
you make me
feel like a disappointment. sad. sorry that i ever got to know you. feel weak. seem selfish and ungrateful. think i am a very bad person. wonder how i ever could ruin things so thoroughly. miss you. wonder if i have any self- respect at all. sick. realize how alone i am. want to never speak to anyone again. wish i were someone else. hurt. cry. wish someone were on my side.
5.10.2010
it's all ending; we're just getting started
reflecting on the past two semesters/ 10 months or so, i feel nothing but relief at this period having ended. it was fun, and i'm looking forward to new things, and that's all i have to say about it. as of today, the last final was taken, the last paper turned in, and i'm done worrying about things that don't matter anymore. i'm completely in the present, and i hope the people in my life are up for it. i don't want to argue with anyone, i want no confusion and worry outside what any person needs to worry about. i'm going to have a good summer, i'm going to get some parts of my life in order, i'm going to have fun with the people i love and anything else is water under the bridge; it does not matter to me. i'm not going to keep falling into the trap of letting my life happen to me. i've done a good thing this year, and i'm proud of it, and i'm celebrating. join the party. jesaka
5.08.2010
i have no direction anymore
I so miss having colored hair. Not even that it looked that awesome, (even though sometimes it really, really did.) I just miss the time when that was part of me. Even though i've grown a lot since i left high school and home, and i'm smarter and more mature, i also really miss this fearlessness that i never even knew was present in me until i woke up one day and realized it had been all used up. i'm smarter, yes, but people get smarter every day, and true wisdom comes from applying what you know to bettering yourself, not just changing based on what you know. i worry that i'm losing myself. i sometimes feel like i'm a character in other peoples' lives, that my own has no significance, because i'm not making anything of it. at the end of the day, i don't always feel like i've accomplished anything. i don't think i'm happy anymore, because for a while i was happy and then everything got all fucked up and i realized it wasn't real and i recoiled from any of the things i believed were right and good. but i was wrong to think that happiness was in permanence. i was happy then because i was risking being unhappy. now, i don't risk anything. i fear depending on others, i can't feel my emotions anymore, i just witness them. now, i don't know how to stop being afraid of living my life. and i'm thinking maybe i was better off oblivious to how naive i was being.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
