5.29.2010
escapeulator
this song makes me think of you, every single time i hear it. you continue ignoring me. it's fine. i'm getting used to it (sort of.)
i still miss you.
i still don't think i'll ever deserve you in my life again.
you seem to know this better than i do.
it tears me up to know you're out there and you want nothing to do with me.
i can't find peace when i try to sleep.i think of you every day. it makes my heart swell to hear your words in my head. you cared about me in all the ways i wanted to be cared about.i'm realizing you're not going to let me tell you these things face to face, but they take up too much space where my head used to be.
things aren't all bad,but there's a whole part of myself that just doesn't ever feel quite right.a buzzing cloud constantly on the verge of waking up from sleep.i hope that you're well.i hope that you're happy. i hope that you think of me sometimes, and i hope that when you do there are at least some good memories there.
other things,in case i'm not the only person who reads this, so you don't think i'm a total sap. (though i guess i am.)
i may have an artist apprenticeship thing going on for the summer. it doesn't pay, but it will help me get other internships which will help me get work experience which will help me get to france. somehow. i haven't figured it out yet. i just know i need to get there. i also know that when i get there, i won't be coming back. not in any permanent sense. i can't see it. my life doesn't live where i am anymore.i'm getting left behind, always getting lost, trying to hang on to what's moving further and further in every direction but the one i know deep down that i am headed.
i love those moments when i'm listening to other people talk, and i let it get a little out of context, lose myself in the sounds, and it's like i've never heard anyone speak english before. it has to tap into something primitive in my brain, something in my language center that forgets itself and breaks down the sounds,and it's like i don't know what century i'm on or what continent i'm on, for a split second. i forget the meanings of words and the definitions of rights and lefts, i forget the difference between am and pm, and all the little human constructs we should know tend to escape me. obviously there is something fatally wrong with my brain as no number of mnemonics can help me to remember these things, and furthermore, i will never think they are important.
i want to live in the woods, or in a cabin or something, but someplace that won't creep me out and make me afraid.
i want to take a trip to a place i've never been, someplace i don't know a soul. i want to be completely alone, yet surrounded by other people. i hope to experience this soon. i am hoping it will bring me clarity on my true intent for myself.
it may be narcissistic, the fact that i find the most ease in talking to myself (or no one).i think i am really weird. i'm always aching for things no one else ever even acknowledges. no one i know at least.i need to meet some strangers.
i can't think of anything for longer than a few seconds, i can't concentrate, my head hurts, but i feel overwhelmingly positive in a faraway sort of way.
i'm knitting a sweater.
5.23.2010
internet home visit
in my dream last night, someone i used to know came to my house and kidnapped my mother, and then i went on a mission to find him and collect my mother and his testicles. it was interesting how immediate that solution was in my head. i found him in a bar along some train tracks after my friends and i evaded the people he'd sent after us. i don't know why my dreams always look like cool movies that need to be made, and i wish they still made sense once i woke up. this one looked like a modern western. i was the heroine, and that feeling was new. sadly i was awoken by chainsaws outside (at 9am. on a sunday) so i'll never know if i caught up with him or not.
i am frustrated. as weird as it seems to me, i guess it is just in my nature to care a lot about people. that doesn't mean i always like them, but it bugs me to not be proactive when it comes to people i care about. i slipped up a couple of times, and i am still kind of operating in the patterns of worry and self- sacrifice for the sake of other people.but i can't really see that as a bad thing, as long as i can learn moderation. it hurts me a lot to find that once i gave up, some relationships i had always thought to be strong immediately fell in. (you should know that i still do, and probably will for some time, miss you very much- in case you happen to come across this in search of more things to hold against me.)
i don't want to keep anymore secrets. i don't let anyone inside my little bubble. no one really knows what i want, what i do, what i REALLY think, and i think it's time i let some people in on my little private jokes. i just don't know who'd care enough to listen for a punchline that probably only i find funny.
jesaka
i am frustrated. as weird as it seems to me, i guess it is just in my nature to care a lot about people. that doesn't mean i always like them, but it bugs me to not be proactive when it comes to people i care about. i slipped up a couple of times, and i am still kind of operating in the patterns of worry and self- sacrifice for the sake of other people.but i can't really see that as a bad thing, as long as i can learn moderation. it hurts me a lot to find that once i gave up, some relationships i had always thought to be strong immediately fell in. (you should know that i still do, and probably will for some time, miss you very much- in case you happen to come across this in search of more things to hold against me.)
i don't want to keep anymore secrets. i don't let anyone inside my little bubble. no one really knows what i want, what i do, what i REALLY think, and i think it's time i let some people in on my little private jokes. i just don't know who'd care enough to listen for a punchline that probably only i find funny.
jesaka
5.19.2010
time waits for no one
i think you could say i am turning over a new leaf.
i've had a lot on my mind, thinking and worrying over and deciding about what i will and won't accept in my life. i realize that one of my largest flaws is allowing myself to worry too much about other people. it's not that i'm a follower, not in the technical sense of the word, but that i am, maybe, too loyal(if you can pretend i phrased that in a less self- righteous way). i am realizing very quickly that i am just no longer in a position to always struggle to make time for those that don't make time for me. this happens in so many of my relationships. too many concessions, too much forgiveness, leniency on things that should not even be negotiable, and all of it one- sided. frankly, i'm not going to take it anymore. for too much of my life, i kept quiet about what i thought or felt, and unless i had some strong conviction i felt it was easier to go along with everyone else and not think what it was that i wanted to do. someone told me that if you just don't give a shit about people, you'll find out who the real important ones are when they pick up the slack and THEY give a shit about YOU for a change. so, effectually, this is what i'm doing. it's too hard, and really really unrealistic for me to say i won't make any effort towards anyone or anything. but right now, i'm worried about ME, first and foremost. because it doesn't matter at all how important any someone is to me, it doesn't matter that i love them enough to give my life for, i'm still not going to LIVE my life for anyone but me, because that is what everyone else is (or should be) doing. i've let other people's isms define me for too long,and it's given me a really skewed and sad picture of what relationships are like. i don't want things to be that way, because there are some relationships i really treasure and i don't want to grow jaded with them (as is unfortunately happening already) just because of things i've experienced in the past.
so, now that i've gone off on a good long ramble, i digress to a point: i'm giving up worrying about how i relate to other people, i have enough worry in my very nature without adding to it with unnecessary woes. there are people i've been trying for too long to appease, people i've been trying too hard to win over, and all of that is going to stop. if you give a shit about me, you'll let me know, and not because i say i won't try but because you'll WANT to try(this applies to some people very specifically). put simply, if i stop calling you, call me. if i stop trying to salvage a connection, pick up the slack. or don't, and let that tell me how you really feel. i know this probably means i'll be deleting a lot of people from my life. those people, the ones who make you worry and care too much but never put in any effort, they're like junk mail- whether or not i wanted them in the first place, i sure as hell don't need them now.
take care.
jesaka
i've had a lot on my mind, thinking and worrying over and deciding about what i will and won't accept in my life. i realize that one of my largest flaws is allowing myself to worry too much about other people. it's not that i'm a follower, not in the technical sense of the word, but that i am, maybe, too loyal(if you can pretend i phrased that in a less self- righteous way). i am realizing very quickly that i am just no longer in a position to always struggle to make time for those that don't make time for me. this happens in so many of my relationships. too many concessions, too much forgiveness, leniency on things that should not even be negotiable, and all of it one- sided. frankly, i'm not going to take it anymore. for too much of my life, i kept quiet about what i thought or felt, and unless i had some strong conviction i felt it was easier to go along with everyone else and not think what it was that i wanted to do. someone told me that if you just don't give a shit about people, you'll find out who the real important ones are when they pick up the slack and THEY give a shit about YOU for a change. so, effectually, this is what i'm doing. it's too hard, and really really unrealistic for me to say i won't make any effort towards anyone or anything. but right now, i'm worried about ME, first and foremost. because it doesn't matter at all how important any someone is to me, it doesn't matter that i love them enough to give my life for, i'm still not going to LIVE my life for anyone but me, because that is what everyone else is (or should be) doing. i've let other people's isms define me for too long,and it's given me a really skewed and sad picture of what relationships are like. i don't want things to be that way, because there are some relationships i really treasure and i don't want to grow jaded with them (as is unfortunately happening already) just because of things i've experienced in the past.
so, now that i've gone off on a good long ramble, i digress to a point: i'm giving up worrying about how i relate to other people, i have enough worry in my very nature without adding to it with unnecessary woes. there are people i've been trying for too long to appease, people i've been trying too hard to win over, and all of that is going to stop. if you give a shit about me, you'll let me know, and not because i say i won't try but because you'll WANT to try(this applies to some people very specifically). put simply, if i stop calling you, call me. if i stop trying to salvage a connection, pick up the slack. or don't, and let that tell me how you really feel. i know this probably means i'll be deleting a lot of people from my life. those people, the ones who make you worry and care too much but never put in any effort, they're like junk mail- whether or not i wanted them in the first place, i sure as hell don't need them now.
take care.
jesaka
5.16.2010
you make me
feel like a disappointment. sad. sorry that i ever got to know you. feel weak. seem selfish and ungrateful. think i am a very bad person. wonder how i ever could ruin things so thoroughly. miss you. wonder if i have any self- respect at all. sick. realize how alone i am. want to never speak to anyone again. wish i were someone else. hurt. cry. wish someone were on my side.
5.10.2010
it's all ending; we're just getting started
reflecting on the past two semesters/ 10 months or so, i feel nothing but relief at this period having ended. it was fun, and i'm looking forward to new things, and that's all i have to say about it. as of today, the last final was taken, the last paper turned in, and i'm done worrying about things that don't matter anymore. i'm completely in the present, and i hope the people in my life are up for it. i don't want to argue with anyone, i want no confusion and worry outside what any person needs to worry about. i'm going to have a good summer, i'm going to get some parts of my life in order, i'm going to have fun with the people i love and anything else is water under the bridge; it does not matter to me. i'm not going to keep falling into the trap of letting my life happen to me. i've done a good thing this year, and i'm proud of it, and i'm celebrating. join the party. jesaka
5.08.2010
i have no direction anymore
I so miss having colored hair. Not even that it looked that awesome, (even though sometimes it really, really did.) I just miss the time when that was part of me. Even though i've grown a lot since i left high school and home, and i'm smarter and more mature, i also really miss this fearlessness that i never even knew was present in me until i woke up one day and realized it had been all used up. i'm smarter, yes, but people get smarter every day, and true wisdom comes from applying what you know to bettering yourself, not just changing based on what you know. i worry that i'm losing myself. i sometimes feel like i'm a character in other peoples' lives, that my own has no significance, because i'm not making anything of it. at the end of the day, i don't always feel like i've accomplished anything. i don't think i'm happy anymore, because for a while i was happy and then everything got all fucked up and i realized it wasn't real and i recoiled from any of the things i believed were right and good. but i was wrong to think that happiness was in permanence. i was happy then because i was risking being unhappy. now, i don't risk anything. i fear depending on others, i can't feel my emotions anymore, i just witness them. now, i don't know how to stop being afraid of living my life. and i'm thinking maybe i was better off oblivious to how naive i was being.
5.03.2010
Don't call it a comeback-
karma has reoriented itself around me. i feel better about a lot of things, and even the things that haven't improved yet, i know will soon. i still have some stuff to work out, but it feels nice to just be doing okay.
today i sat outside and watched a storm brew from a couple of rainclouds and escalate into a downpour. it was cold and wet, but i swear i was feeling high on life for those few minutes. the clouds rolling around each other, the rain hitting the ground, the GIANT rainbow i saw, it was all pretty intense. it's amazing how fascinating every little thing around you can be if you just take the time to look, and stop being so preoccupied with "life". because really, what is life without the awesome stuff you can only see when you step outside yourself?
go barefoot!
jesaka
today i sat outside and watched a storm brew from a couple of rainclouds and escalate into a downpour. it was cold and wet, but i swear i was feeling high on life for those few minutes. the clouds rolling around each other, the rain hitting the ground, the GIANT rainbow i saw, it was all pretty intense. it's amazing how fascinating every little thing around you can be if you just take the time to look, and stop being so preoccupied with "life". because really, what is life without the awesome stuff you can only see when you step outside yourself?
go barefoot!
jesaka
5.02.2010
i want to keep it up
"it" being i don't exactly know what, this strange culmination of narcissism and motivation that is this journal/ blog thing.
but i have little to say.
it's been storming the past two days, and every time that happens, real storms that go on for hours and hours of thunder and noise and light and movement, i'm reminded how beautiful life is, what a unique and amazing life i'm living just by being one of the molecules in the universe lucky to end up being a part of this amazing planet earth in its tiny corner of existence. i think about the order of the world, everything in its right place, everything having its job, and the beauty in that order, and as much as i'd sometimes rather believe there is no force governing the light and the dark and the sun and humans and their emotions and the billions of other bits of existence that make up everything that is, it's just all too perfect not to believe something is in control. i don't know if i buy into my life being a part of "god's plan" and that some guy in the sky has things he wants and doesn't want me to do, because it's just too vain to think that what one planet full of cells decides to do is the important factor in the history of everything. but that is not by any means to say that i don't believe that everything in its perfection and completeness can just be empty chaos, there is a plan, and we're apart of everything that was ever meant to happen. there are too many laws and parts of science we're just stumbling onto that have existed and functioned for so long before us. god is out there, and it is in the rain and you and me and my desk and every thought every human has ever had and ever single thing none of us will ever ever see or experience or even know exists. god is in the details, and god just is, and it feels so right to be part of this life that was made just for me, in this body that is unlike yet exactly the same as the other 7 billion inhabiting the only space that was made for them to work, thinking thoughts people have probably thought since people thought anything at all. any other time i would feel small, but i'm oddly at peace with my place in all this, because the fact that i have a place in such perfect order is astronomically lucky.
smile today.
jesaka
but i have little to say.
it's been storming the past two days, and every time that happens, real storms that go on for hours and hours of thunder and noise and light and movement, i'm reminded how beautiful life is, what a unique and amazing life i'm living just by being one of the molecules in the universe lucky to end up being a part of this amazing planet earth in its tiny corner of existence. i think about the order of the world, everything in its right place, everything having its job, and the beauty in that order, and as much as i'd sometimes rather believe there is no force governing the light and the dark and the sun and humans and their emotions and the billions of other bits of existence that make up everything that is, it's just all too perfect not to believe something is in control. i don't know if i buy into my life being a part of "god's plan" and that some guy in the sky has things he wants and doesn't want me to do, because it's just too vain to think that what one planet full of cells decides to do is the important factor in the history of everything. but that is not by any means to say that i don't believe that everything in its perfection and completeness can just be empty chaos, there is a plan, and we're apart of everything that was ever meant to happen. there are too many laws and parts of science we're just stumbling onto that have existed and functioned for so long before us. god is out there, and it is in the rain and you and me and my desk and every thought every human has ever had and ever single thing none of us will ever ever see or experience or even know exists. god is in the details, and god just is, and it feels so right to be part of this life that was made just for me, in this body that is unlike yet exactly the same as the other 7 billion inhabiting the only space that was made for them to work, thinking thoughts people have probably thought since people thought anything at all. any other time i would feel small, but i'm oddly at peace with my place in all this, because the fact that i have a place in such perfect order is astronomically lucky.
smile today.
jesaka
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