Loud and Clear.

These are the sounds of a loneliness so profound it sinks into itself and creates a music all its own. Separate from the harmony of its equals, devouring the fairest notes of each sidelong composition. My senses are so attuned to this that it settles on top of the scenery, and I gain a crisp but altered view of the way things are and were, glimpsing the hindsight that has settled over this treacherous landscape of my own creation. There was a time these sounds united the images of mine and yours; a recurring soundtrack of unspoken truths, falsehoods and bittersweet memories. I blanche and blister at the fire inspired by such passionate calamity. And it’s true I feel an edge of remorse, of longing, of loss, as I recall the sensory background of your presence that is all I can bear to remember. The pages on which these hymns to failure were inscribed, always in discord but struggling into a turbulent cacophony, now heat, fray, and finally turn to ash beneath my only reminder of the moments you were fair enough to make me believe. I turn into, and look around, but all I find are the lies and hurts, so inconsequential in the face of the beautiful formations they create. Digging, destroying pile after pile, I find only the dust of what was left, of who you were, which was settled on top and which I begged to ignore. But a simple replay is all I need to hear to know that my forced instrumentation of this discord was not enough to keep it afloat without the buoyancy of your state. Never before attuned to the undercurrent of your conductions, I see the blindness inspired by such glaring noise, and the difference is apparent; without your trilling influence, your heightened imagery of the places where you exist, none of it is real for me. The final notes of this symphony may endlessly ring in my ears, tied as they may be to the brief flutter of your will by which I was altered, but the music of the places I will be will grow to drown out the painful strumming of what you left behind.I

Little Shadow, will you follow me?

(i take no credit for that lyric, it belongs to the lovely yeah yeah yeahs and i'm using it as the title because i can't find the song on project playlist and you SHOULD be listening to it while you read this post.)
I'm sitting in my room, crying, actually doing something closer to leaking out my eyes, and listening to the yeah yeah yeahs, and thinking about taking up the rug and pulling down my posters, and understanding the finality of that action and reveling in all these emotions.
when, on a cloudy day, sunlight suddenly filters through the window, i feel a strange kind of hope that emanates from the inside.
I feel good about this, and yet I am terrified.
I'm in an ambivalent state, between grief and joy.
I'm not really saying goodbye to anything, because physically I'll be back.
It scares me to think I'm coming to the place where my home (here) will not be my home anymore.
But it's happy in that i get to try something new, to move forward and take with me all the things from behind that will help me through.
i'm just nervous, and it's keeping me from clarity on the situation.
i will remind myself that i'm doing a good thing and that more good will come from it.
i will try to not be afraid and i will try to balance the new and the old.
i will stop making declarative statements and instead i will do.

boxes and boxes and boxes of rubble.

Er, of my clothing and life.
etc.
The only thing about college thus far that I find really and truly exciting is that I now own my own tupperware. Standing in my kitchen earlier today, contemplating (rather than washing) my new dishes, I thought to myself, "You are your own woman now."
And then I was like, "are you batty, they're dishes, come off it, etc."
Nonetheless.
I've packed away all my precious belongings and learned just how free it feels to have everything that matters to you, physically of course, not counting people and relationships and sunshine and your dog and all that, into the trunk of a car. Makes me feel like I could just go, and never come back.
And I will.
In three days.
Holy eff.
But I'll be back, because let's face it, lest I head off into the sunset with grandiose ideas about "eduction" and "finding myself," I am not an adult yet.
I still want my mom to do my laundry and cook me dinner and feed me love and soup when I am ill. I've had all these ideas about Freedom and Moving Forward, and now that it's time I've begun to stop and take notice of the truth, that all the things you'll accomplish and do in life mean nothing if you forget where you came from.
And so I refute the finality of this new portion of my life; it is merely a continuation, a new chapter, in the story where I become who I am.
At any rate, I'm out of my benadryl coma for the first time in days and though I cannot breathe out my nose I'm sort of waking up to the big scary thoughts I've been hiding from lately. I'm saying goodbye in little ways, letting go in small doses as regina said once.
And I'm excited. I really am. I feel good about what's to come, and there's anxiety and nervousness, but a surprising lack of fear. What happens now, just makes sense. I'm excited to picture myself in new places, doing new things with new people.I've spent my life wanting to go, go, go, and now I think I will find the time,place,way to sit in my skin and learn about me, and maybe be content not to know what's going on out there, to just take off my shoes, settle in and let the world go on.
All in all, all is well.
Go in peace and Color with crayons.

i have good news.

On the Radio by Regina Spektor
I might not have enough loan money for my housing; I still haven't packed my room and I leave in 20 days; I have no plans for my birthday (approaching rapidly); my dog won't stop barking outside my window.
And then there is the news that actually IS awesome:
I'LL BE EIGHTEEN IN THREE DAYS; there is this way awesome kid who won't stop texting me and being nice to me who brought me SONIC today; my hands smell like oil pastels; my quarantine ended today! (Seriously who gets pink eye anymore? oh yeah. I do.)
So I don't really have any other news. Basically I need to pack up my room, pack up my life, get ready to go. And in the next 3 weeks I somehow have to squeeze in, all that packing, turning eighteen, attempting to get my license, going to Minneapolis, going to VEGAS, and seeing my beloved friends and family as much as possible. Oh well. Sleep is for the dead, right?
RIGHT. (le snore).
I only feel motivated to pack when I don't actually have the ability to do it. I think i will brew up some espresso, disguise it with lots of cream and sugar and pull an all- nighter to get this mess done. Yes. That is just what I'll do. As soon as Sixteen and Pregnant goes off.
This show is fascinating. I actually just wrote a whole schpiel about it but then realized that it was going nowhere as the words just piled up into a big ol' smelly rant. Suffice it to say, it's better than health class.
I have to stop procrastinating.
I have to pack, right now.
I have to.
I don't wanna.
I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.

Hi, my name is Jesaka, and I have Blog Alzheimer's.

Warrior by Yeah Yeah Yeahs

I get the bad blogger award. I always forget. It's possible that deep down I don't think what I have to say is that important. It's more likely, however, that I am just way too forgetful.
Anyway, to make amends, I begin a new ritual for my blog. As music is being pumped into my head about 90% of the time, I will provide you wonderful readers (yes, both of you) with a track or two for each blog. It's what I'm listening to while I write, or just something that properly conveys the vibe of my thoughts at the time. Above you'll notice the player. So go ahead and hit play before you read on.
When I actually have things going on in my life - things I am not silly enough to discuss on the internet, but suffice it to say I've been knocked down a bit lately and am learning to stand once again- I seem to forget to share them, here, in what is supposed to be my oasis of thought, a basin of my own being in which i may lay down my burdens temporarily and maybe wallow in them a little.
It seems awkward to play catch up on such a monumental year of my life. But.
I graduated, I did some things I maybe shouldn't have done, I had the best and worst summer of my whole entire life, and there would have been no better send- off to college.
There's just no way to describe all the things I've learned so far this year. I may not be any more confident, or much smarter, but now more than ever I'm secure in what I believe. And I guess it takes trials against those things that make a person themselves, to really cement them.
So, The moral of the story is: I will try to be a better blogger, as I face newer and more trying... er, trials... in the months, days, years to come.
Kisses.