(i take no credit for that lyric, it belongs to the lovely yeah yeah yeahs and i'm using it as the title because i can't find the song on project playlist and you SHOULD be listening to it while you read this post.)
I'm sitting in my room, crying, actually doing something closer to leaking out my eyes, and listening to the yeah yeah yeahs, and thinking about taking up the rug and pulling down my posters, and understanding the finality of that action and reveling in all these emotions.
when, on a cloudy day, sunlight suddenly filters through the window, i feel a strange kind of hope that emanates from the inside.
I feel good about this, and yet I am terrified.
I'm in an ambivalent state, between grief and joy.
I'm not really saying goodbye to anything, because physically I'll be back.
It scares me to think I'm coming to the place where my home (here) will not be my home anymore.
But it's happy in that i get to try something new, to move forward and take with me all the things from behind that will help me through.
i'm just nervous, and it's keeping me from clarity on the situation.
i will remind myself that i'm doing a good thing and that more good will come from it.
i will try to not be afraid and i will try to balance the new and the old.
i will stop making declarative statements and instead i will do.
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