underpants dance.

it's my birthday today, so i'm dancing in my underpants at midnight, as is my tradition. it occurs to me that i am marginally bummed despite it being my birthday. i don't know why this is, don't have a direction in mind for this post, just felt the need to use it to say.. things. blah bleh bluh.
i am becoming so boring, and also i think i am losing it once and for all. normally it would take weeks for me to work up to the things i now say with abandon to anyone who will listen, and especially to those who won't. i have truly entered a space of not caring what anyone thinks about me, being unapologetic and truly learning to embrace myself for my flaws and mistakes and also for my passions. i've become more in touch with who i am and what i want, and it's turned me into what outwardly looks like a more brash, even more forthright, kind of bitchy, spaced- out version of myself. it would seem that at long last, i truly Do Not Give A Fuck.
and that, dear readers, EFFING RULES. some things:
go and paint a picture. i do not care if you can't paint, i do not care if you've never painted or drawn. paint a picture. it is good for your soul. it's nonverbal communication with the universe. it's motility in verse. it's a bunch of other really cool shit everyone needs to experience.
talk to a stranger. branch out, meet new people, and see how surprisingly easy it is to get lost in others rather that being too lost in yourself to notice others.
tell someone exactly what you think of them, good or bad. if you have grievances to air that are distracting you in your life, get them out. if you have a problem with someone, don't accuse, don't blame, don't confront. just say what you need to say, it doesn't matter what happens from then, because it's all about finding the closure you need, and whatever happens after that isn't even up to you.
BE OPEN. everyone has a different point of view, every single one of us. allow yourself to be completely free of selfishness and let down the guard you keep up to refrain from questioning your position, and just understand. empathize. give a shit.
this is advice from myself, directed at myself, that i need to follow. it's vague, because i have some very nondescript issues hindering my personal growth and i need to take steps to better prepare myself to deal with these situations. i am turning into a weirdo. i don't experience my emotions, i just witness them. by the time i've felt something, it's already gone, and it seems my entire existence as it relates to sensation and perception is a game of cat and mouse, me constantly seeking and being evaded by something lasting and effective, something that will snap me into action and out of this bystander mentality. i feel so good about coming into my own, about exploring my passions, but i feel that something is being lost in the translation. i guess this is a bit of a resolution, a reconciliation, a recognition of the past year and my decision to move forward from it instead of trying to keep recreating it. so here's to you, 18. frankly, you sucked. here goes 19.